Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

Creepy Croc Pumps

I bet they get what they want in the boardroom!

 

 

Crossbred Ugg, Croc, and Feet

Mostly likely some kind of weepy spoof. If not, it needs to be shot on sight.

 

Shoe Violation: Shoes That Look Like They Were Made In Shop Class

Even though they look like Japanese Flash Gordon meets blind Harajuku Girl, I do have to say I would rather enjoy seeing someone draw blood wearing these spikey clog eyesores on Dancing With The Stars! The Pasodoble will never be the same! All they would need to do then is throw in a few lions and spear.

 

School Girl Fashion Violation

 
Seriously Baby Jane, the men with the big nets are on their way.

Snooki's Italian Fashion Accident

 

And I'm not refferring to her real car accident with a police car in Italy (although that in itself is pretty hilarious). While the neck brace was a joke for the show, there is no excuse for the horrible weepy Gucci bag, fugly tight top, Daisy Duke shorts, and Planet of the Apes fur boots. Snooks looks like she is trying to woo the Italian Bigfoot out of hiding. Unless she's perfected her mating call, he may just run for the hills. 

 

Jessica Simpson's flipped out Twitter Fail

 

Leave it to Buffalo Wing Queen Jessica Simpson to tweet something that was supposed to be a joke in her blond head but she never clarified it to the rest of the world.

Last month she tweeted: "Scuba gear coming soon for @jscollection heels for every occasion ;)" and posted these wacky pics of flipper heels!  As expected, the fashion blog world went into a frenzy. I was all prepared to start weeping as well until I dug a little deeper and found the whole thing was one big Jess Joke. 

Considering she does design shoes and you have Lady Ga Ga and Nikki Minaj wearing all kinds of weird shit, it really isn't that surprising to see these wacky scuba shoes. The shoes in these pics were actually created by a Belgian artist named Paul Schietekat for an exhibit in 2006.

But for this weepy tweet twat, Jessica should be punished! I think she should have to wear a breath apparatus hat and a pair of the flipper heels while being sentenced to 20 laps down a slippery catwalk.

Watch what you tweet Jess!

 

Shoe Violation Spotted At Walgreens: shorts, no socks, and dress shoes

Even Spongebob knows better than that! I wanted to tell this weepy shoe dork that there were cheap dress socks on aisle 6. And then take away his gay card. Yep, I'm pretty sure he played on my team.

AIRPORT FASHION FAILURES

 

By Benjamin Kissell

AKA: Fashion Failures at the Boarding Gates

What makes this Gay Heart Weep tears of Burberry tinted horror at the Boarding Gates? Why, looking up and seeing scads of shabbily, shoddily, scantily -clad passengers hoofing it past me.

Okay, I'm not the paragon of fashion perfection and I'm far from garbed in couture [Gap jeans, white-checked dress shirt from Old Navy, Mossimo blazer and my recently coloured hair], but even I respect the Old School Flying etiquette: Dress for appeal and comfort!

Think Bogart and Bacall, not Spears and Federline.

 

Arriving at Dulles Intl Airport (at 5:20 - 3 hrs before our flight) we exited the shuttle bus to a complete visual atrocity.

Never had my eyes been accosted with so many tired, greasy and gross combinations of sweats and track-pants. By the time I arrived at my Boarding Gate, 'twas all I could do not to physically cringe each time I saw a Hello Kitty XS tee on a 40something, paunchy Japanese man.

I all-but break out the giant sunglasses to hide behind.

Now, don't get me wrong; there are numerous fine examples of fabulous flying frocks all around me - the lovely woman in pressed white slacks with vintage paisley-patterned blouse.

Or the young man in designer jeans, RalphLauren polo and matching leather jacket and shoes.

And, ooh, the lovely gay couple who seem to be striving for 'Modern Family pilot' (complete with bearded redhead and Korean baby), they're rather adorable.

Yumm! As I type, a lovely 40something woman with blown-out blonde hair strolls by in a perfect combination of 50s hat, midi-trench, slim-fit slacks and heels. She? Got the memo!

Hrmm, the 50something balding Borgnine-type in a black sweater with rainbow fishscales? [The header photo of the article] Good attempt; you get a C for effort. Of course when you pair that with a pair of brown boots (the only colour NOT in said sweater) I must downgrade to a C-.

[Sidenote: for the woman who plopped down with a just-bought copy of Nicholas Sparks' The Choice, please pick up a copy of Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep for its entry on that weepiest of authors.]

But you! Mister Tatty Track Pants, Grody Navy Flip-flops [because I wanna see your nasty green toenails? I think not] and Stained Black 1998 Red Hot Chili Peppers Tee and Oil-Slick-Survivor Cap? You? Oh 'sir' you merit my super-special GayHeartsWeep Fashion Card.

I present this award to you in deference to the extreme care and choosing you obviously went through in the 2 minutes you got dressed in the dark.

I thank you for this sight as it saves me the trouble of letting my stressed stomach roil on its own.

[Writer's Note: this blog was actually written while sitting at the Boarding Gate in Dulles, on 03/26/2011]

YSL MOHAWK SHOES

 
YSL's mohawk shoes are weepy fun to look at for sure, but seriously? A punk theme on suede pumps? What's next Mullet Shoes? If these critters get knocked-off, mass produced, and end up at Ross or Marshalls, it means only one thing: it's the end of the world and the aliens won.

Exaggerated Jean Cuffs

 
This weeping pant violation is also known as "cropped cuff jeans." I've decided to rename them "redneck cuff jeans" because she looks like she's ready to head out to the barn and feed the pigs. Capri pants are bad enough, but to go and add five inch cuffs is just showcasing to the world that you're a giant denim doofus. It appears the chick in this photo also has a shoe and shirt violation in progress as well, although we can't see the entire shirt and the color of her brown pumps is probably a good choice for when she has to start chasing hogs. The mud will just blend right in.

Shoe Violation

 
She's really an "everything" violation, but the most obvious weepiness comes from the henious fugly Crocs she's clomping around in. Crocs also happen to be an entry in the book version of STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP.