Does it make you weep? Or do you want one?
By Benjamin Kissell
Nothing makes a Gay Heart weep tears of embarassed frustration quite like getting into a cell-phone or Facebook war with an ex.
Instant social outlets like Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and our cell-phones have added a new dimension to the Ex-games.
For example, after deleting that asshole ex [bias] from your cell his "unidentified number" repeatedly pops up, causing you to mistakenly answer - or, G*D forbid, momentarily to act civil. Or when perusing your friends' pages on Facebook [yes, we all FacebookStalk, own up to it boys and girls] you see his photos with his "OMG sooo cute" new boyfriend [gag me]. When this happens, Gay Hearts enter what is affectionately known as the "Cell[phone] Block Tango" (where each of you tries to maneuver around and be the first to block and/or delete all knowledge of the other).
When chatting with my friend Andrew yesterday I realized that I have my own Cell[phone] Block Tango [so named from the Cell Block Tango in Chicago, gays and girls] while I was listing off a few of the people I had actually gone so far as to block and whose names are stored as "Ignore" in my cell, from the last 10 years of dating.
The loud snort as I sang "Pop/Six/Squish/UhUh/Cicero/Lipschitz" was possibly heard 'round the world.
In the promise of honesty and love [promise not to judge me too harshly and forgive the Chicago-themed phrasing], here is a version of my own Cell[phone] Block Tango ...
He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there; If you'd have read it, I bet'cha you would have done the same.
#Bop. You know how some people have some annoying habits? Well, while dating Alvin he sat on the couch all the time. He liked to fart - no, not fart, light his farts on fire. I told him, 'Do that one more time ...' and he did. So, I took the mouse over on Myspace and I clicked 2 warning shots; onto his profile - blocked and reported it.
... I bet'cha you would've done the same.
#Slick. I met AssCole, from Richmond City about a year ago, and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So I helped him find an apartment and move. Things were going swimmingly, dinner and flirts. It was like Heaven in one and a half counties. Then he told me he wanted to stay single. Heh. Single my ass. Dating 4 different guys on dating sites. So, that night, when I saw him online ... you know, some profiles just can't hold off a virus.
... he had it coming, he had it coming all the time.
#Swish. I'm sitting there, at the computer minding my own business, and online storms a 20-something drama queen I barely know who starts Facebook IMing me in a jealous rage that I'm ignoring him. He's crazy and keeps IMing that I'm screwing with his head. And then he ran into my block button. He ran into my block button 3 times [Facebook and the 2 dating sites].
... if you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it?
#NuhUh. Хуяк! Хуя нахуевертили! Хули нахуй, хуилы, нахуярили дохуя хуецкой хуевины? Охуели нахуй, хуеплеты хуевы? Нехуй хуевничать, расхуяривайте нахуй хуетень! Aleksander. Ёб твою мать. But, did I block him? NuhUh. I BLEEPING blocked him.
#Sissy'ho. My roommate and I were dating a pair of friends. One night we were all hanging out, boozing and having a few laughs when we ran out of material and my roommate and I went home. The next morning I wake up to a text-message where my marine had texted me Number 2: a Dear John. Apparently he and several of his friends were doing the Spread Eagle. I completely blacked out, I mean, it wasn't until later when I was deleting every photo of us off the computer that I even realized it was over.
... I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me I was wrong?
#Flippant. I enjoyed talking with Shane, more than I can say. But he was a real artistic guy: sensitive, a drinker. But he was troubled, he was always trying to find ways to break down my spirit. Along the way he bruised my ego and attacked my accent. I guess you could say I blocked him because of artistic differences: He saw himself as human, and I saw him as scum.
... the dirty bum, bum, bum ...
Weeping ridiculous! Yes, a company called Cell Mate is actually selling these goofy cell phone headsets that immediately make you look like you are being assimilated by the Borg from Star Trek. They are 14.99 each and I hope they come with warnings not to wear during an electrical storm.
Urban Dictionary: Auto-Incorrect: "When the auto-correct feature on your iPod Touch or iPhone tries to correct your spelling, but instead changes it to words that just dont make sense with what you're typing."
I write the word hell A LOT and every single time auto-correct wants to change it to He'll and then my gay heart weeps because I can't stop my fucking thumb from hitting the space bar....ARRRRRGH!
Yes, I could turn auto-correct off, but then my texts would look like they were written while under the infulence of six margaritas.