"C'mon girls - do you believe in fierce fashion?"
By Benjamin Kissell
What makes a Gay Heart Weep metrosexually-acceptable tears of awkwardness? Why, it's walking into the toy aisle and finding Barbie's erstwhile beau, Ken, bent over bukkake-style in front of G.I.Joe's entire platoon.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love seeing those tween Bratz doll and Monster High "boyfriends" flaunt their effeminate looks and girly poses (and shoes, never forget the shoes). But, "Fashionista" Ken? Uhm, isn't that term reserved for women, super-fashion-forward gay men [Carson Kressley for example] and gender-confused performers who get on my nerves [I'm looking at you, Gaga]?
Taking a detour through the doll aisle - ostensibly to find presents, but really to find laughs - I discovered visual scare after visual scare. Ken with his hand in the back-pocket of his cut-off Daisy Duke-esque jorts with Hipster-style sleevless tank [GAG], for example. Or the cute Blaine from Glee look complete with skinny-leg jeans, dress short-sleeved shirt and bow-tie. Or, possibly my favorite ... the Toy Story 3 inspired Ken.
"Hi, I'm Mallard; Ducky's bi-curious cousin."
Yes, because looking like a less-masculine version of Ducky from Sixteen Candles will TOTES win Barbie's heart back to your cause, Ken. Really? He's one leopard-print slap bracelet away from all of my fashion nightmares in the mid-80s. Or, a few braids and some neon lipstick away from a Boy George costume. Either way; nuh uh. No. Cease and decist. He now has almost as large a wardrobe as Skipper [scary].
Please don't think that I don't want a gay-friendly doll for girls and girl-boys to play with; I'm totally for creating toys that any gender can play with and identify with - creating a much more comfortable and accepting generation of kids. I really am. Bu-ut, when it comes down to the basics, Ken = straight guy; Barbie = straight girl; Barbie + Ken = stereotypical heterosexual couple.
In fact, I'd love to see Barbie develop a new defined friend, a GBFF. Heck, even name him Blaine or Ben or another classically gay name to dispell any confusion. He could go shopping with Barbie, have his own fashion line. They could try on clothes together in the Barbie Deluxe Mall (complete with Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch and Forever 21 - the food court sold seperately) while playing with their Barbie-brand iphones and discussing which of their trendy boyfriends was DJing at the club that night before leaving to take bodyshots off ab-tastic model-dolls.
But, please crawl back into your classic tux, Ken, and stop making me stare longingly at your Rock Hudson cameo [and yes, I get the irony there] in hopes of seeing the old you.
Manly yes, but he likes it too.
