Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

If Lisa D'Amato Does Not Win Top Model All-Stars!

We'll be flippin' tables and throwin' chairs if this bitch does not win!

Seriously. On a season which Tyra proclaims is not all about modeling and more about finding a "brand" and "celebrity"- who could honestly beat our Lisa D?

With wholesome Shannon out of the picture, it's down to the top 5 bitches. And don't get it twisted- we love ourselves some Angelea soundbites and Allison photos, but the true star of the season has been without question Lisa.

Actually, we take that back. Lisa has been the star of the series in general. She ruled cycle 5 and ever since then we've missed her amazing presence on the show until she finally returned this season.

And y'all know we wrote about La Puchinetta before Top Model All-Stars aired this season, begging the question "why is this bitch not a bigger star?"

She's proved to be a great model, recording artist,- hell, the bitch can even sell her own perfume line!

If Tyra is really looking for a "brand" and Lisa is not the winner, then the little faith I have in Ms. Banks has been lost.

Karma is a bitch,Tyra.

Which is why we'll be watching tonight...and you better be too! CW 9/8 central!

TEAM LA PUCHINETTA!

 Lisa's new video for her song "Soldier"

When Your Job Is To Advertise On The Street Wearing a Costume (Unless your Justin Timberlake or Lady GaGa)

 

I would so dress up as a hot dog if I could be between them all day!

Most Awesome coworkers in the world! (And hilarious SNL sketch)

Happy 4th of July!

Enjoy your liquors today!

 

 

Former DC Real Housewife Michaele Salahi Singing and Modeling

 
This scary photo of Michaele Salahi looking like a wet kitchen broom at a Miami beach is not the weepiest thing she's done recently, below is her hideous droid-like perfomance on an NBC Miami morning show. Following in the footsteps of many other Real Housewives, she's got a shitty new dance song called Bump It , complete with obligatory black rapper. Please Michaele, for the sake of the weeping world, we don't want to see any more of your bony emaciated body or hear anymore robotic karaoke singing and demented crazy lies. Go back to the winery and stay out of the public eye, you're blinding us. Isn't there a way to get the FCC to ban her from television? 

 

 

The Bacon Song

 
Just as we're pulling the gauze out of our bleeding ears from Rebecca Black's Friday, here comes a weepy (or should I say greasy) tune called The Bacon Song. In this dumbass ditty that sounds like a bad Nickelodeon teen rock promo, the three pork lovers above each take turns crooning about their undying lust for bacon which includes bizarre fantasies and singing the word Bacon over and over so many times it makes me want to squeal like a pig running from the butcher. WTF??? I love bacon too, but no thanks on songs with lyrics about it. I'll stick with the American Idiots, Highways To Hell, and Bad Romances...

 

Mark Steines "Raise Your Glass" Tribute Video For Mary Hart's E.T. Exit

 

Mark Steines is so weepingly horrible in this music video I can/t stop watching it over and over it again. I think he has elevated the chicken dance to a whole new level. As a bonus Soup LOL you get Wendy Williams afterwards doing an impersonation of pukey Kim Kardashian's fiance Kris Humphries. It's spectacular. We <3 you Wendy. I'm just sayin....

 

James Durbin Being Voted Off American Idol

 
Forget the world ending on May 21st, a giant fuckball just hit American Idol! My gay heart not only wept when James Durbin got voted off, it got angry and pissed. All metal style! I wanted to smash something! Losing Casey was unbelievable and Pia was the best female singer of the top ten, but I honestly cannot understand why in weepy American Idol hell Lauren or Haley are still there!!!  Just who is voting for them??? Bored teenagers? Phone banks run by The Religious Right? Aliens from District 9?

We've seen this before on American Idol. It's what I call the Jordin Sparks Curse - a boring pretty teenager with a so-so voice gives boring so-so performances (many of which get panned by the judges) and then she goes on to win the show. So for me last night when the results show began and Ryan announced that Jordan was performing, it was like a creepy omen from a horror movie. A chill swept over my weepy gay heart - I knew the news was going to be bad. And then before I could even reach for my phone and Google the results, Lauren and Haley were safe....I was choking on my bile....and then Jordan clomped out on stage pretending to be Beyonce! AAAAAAAAGH!!! Fire and brimstone! That my friends was the American Idol Apocalypse.

Even though cute Scotty has a sexy voice, playful personality, and will grow up to be a country music superstar stud that will make women melt and some men hard, if the Jordin Sparks Curse continues its on it's destructive wrath, he'll get cut next week. Wouldn't it be great if enough people got pissed and stopped watching and AI's ratings took a crash! Teach them a lesson! Yeah, right. That won't happen.

So for this gay heart AI is over. If I wanted to watch High School Musical I'd catch it on Netflix streaming. Seriously, it's all about the country teens now. Still love JLO (who was crying), Randy (who looked furious), and Stephen (who looked heartbroken) - you guys are the best judges Idol has ever had! We'll see what next year brings. Now that the Season Finale is over.

Don't Stop Believin James! You don't need to win a stinking TV show that judges it's winners by anonymous phone calls. You are a true rock god, and your gold is coming boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ark Music Factory

 

Known to gay hearts as Bark Music Factory or Autotune Music Factory, these are the masterminds that made Rebecca Black's weepy Friday Video (below), as well as a bunch of other creepy teen pop videos.

I'm not only weeping after watching this highlight of Ark Music Factory's "talent," but my jaw is on the floor and my ears have decided to sue me. They're pissed I made them endure the full 9 minutes of the video - which, be forewarned contains some horrible, horrible singing. I put my ears through the torture because the behind the scenes reality drama was just too juicy to look away from! And apparently this is all exactly what you would suspect after watching the video: Mommy and Daddy pay lots of money so their girls (Ark handles mostly girls - yes that's creepy) can record a song (with autotune enhancing to make them sound better), do a live performance, and then, make one of these scary videos:

 

Rebbecca, Abby, and Alana or only the beginning. Now that all eyes are on The Ark, we are in for some scary-bad weepy shit this year! Let's hope it's hilarious!=D Maybe their next venture should be called ARP Music Factory and it can be for all those lovely girls over 45!

 

Bad Drag Musical Videos

Somewhere in the halls of DRAG-U Rupaul is weeping. And so am I. No one wants to see a fat drag queen eat chicken. It could cause eye-bleeding.