Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

When Your Love For Animals Bites You on The Ass

 

NOTHING TO BE GLEEFUL ABOUT

by Benjamin Kissell

Nothing quite makes a Gay Heart Weep like getting smacked upside the head with unpleasant realizations. Like, and here’s an ugly one, you identify NOT with the extremely-relatable protagonists on what was once your favorite new show and no longer actually connect with the show itself but really connect with … the parents! This gay heart may have given vent to a healthy scream [okay, a scream, shout and several small temper tantrums may have happened, but, I dare you to find a witness] and a new [maybe my third] vow to walk away from the show.

I’m not gonna pretend I’m some tween or even early 20s gay heart – I am rather proud of my being 28, I mean 25, I mean … ahh Hell, 28 – but, it’s still kinda stress inducing [read: mild anxiety attacks soothed by random influxes of chocolate and Guinness] to watch a movie or tv show and identify with the parents (especially when the actors playing the teens are only a year or three younger than you).

A few years back (late June, 2005), my best friend [@ForeverNATE85 on Twitter, versus my @praetor1983] and I caught The Perfect Man [you know, that Hillary Duff/Heather Locklear/Chris Noth/Carson Kressley flick] and about 30 minutes in we realized that neither of us was identifying with the “stress” the teen character was in, but, the adult problems of her mother. That? Called for immediate medication/therapy [a quick jaunt to the store after the movie and spending too much money soothed my ego]. The killer part is we were only 19 and 21 when we saw it – compared to Duff at 18 and Locklear at 44 – and yet, we did not even bear mental resemblance to someone that close to our own ages.

Cut to me last month, coffee in-hand and chubby cat on my lap while I sat down to catch up on the first few episodes of GLEE [yes, I hate where the second season went and yes, I said I would try and give the third a chance – Marti Noxon from Buffy joined the crew, c’mon!]. I made it through the first two [mostly unscathed, but primarily unimpressed], but, Asian F? It made this gay heart threaten libel suits.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a bad episode – probably the best in a while. It was well-written, the actors actually had me [almost] caring what happened, but … when the most believable scene for me – the only one I saw any connection with – was when Mike Chang’s mother told her ‘I gave it up’ story I cried a little [some was the ‘aww that’s so sad’ cry but most was the ‘GAH; this bears repeating. The Mother. Again. GAH!’ cry].

That? Was the last straw. The shark has been jumped, circled back around and had a water-slide park built around it complete with flaming hoops. My hands? Washed.

Aside from this new season just lacking any other connection for me, my big complaint is that it began taking itself too seriously. When you stop taking an objective (or subjective) look at pop culture and begin aiming to be/influence it, you lose that initial outsider magic. The lightning in the bottle? Has officially been let out [at least for me and most of my friends]. GLEE isn’t a bad show, don’t get me wrong, but, the charm and aspect which drew us in? Gone. Blame it on bad writing, convoluted story-plots, “interesting” song/music choices, disjointed characters and story or whatever you want, my friends and I are done.

 

"Fuck you guys, we're going home."

 

We used to have our Tuesday Night Drinking Club [aka Glee Night] where a bunch of us would hang out, watch the new GLEE [on DVR to pass through the commercials, of course] and take shots – whether to various Brittany one-liners or to amazing songs. But, as the second season continued, our interest waned and with each passing episode it felt more like a chore and less like entertainment. By the end, we may have been taking shots to help us get through the episode instead of to celebrate it.

Since my ‘I’m done’ moment, I’ve been told mixed reactions to the recent episodes: Some positive, some ambivalent and more than a few were vocally negative. I? Just say ‘meh’ and neither watch them live nor catch them online anymore.

For example, the episode where Kurt and Blaine go “all the way”, which was supposed to really connect with its gay heart audience, came with a lot of flack from the few GLEE-watchers I still know. Various reports of a gay bar straight out of 1985 [gag], fully-clothed sex which was a so un-risque it used a cheap fireplace fadeout cut-away [as compared to season 1’s Like a Virgin sex number] and others left me luke-warm at best (mildly stabby at worst) and cemented my ‘No more GLEE’ stance.

What it boils down to is that I’m not their target audience anymore. When GLEE came out, it came out swinging in rainbow spangles and was a unique voice embracing its outsider-niche. It loved its cabaret-style bad outfits and Loser Like Me side. But, in its successive seasons, it’s become the network monster and, honestly, that’s just not what I connect with. I’m not a teenager whining about the spur-of-the-moment love you feel in Home Room and lose by Second Period Gym class. I’m a late-20s adult and a high school drama class is not where I intend to be.

 

Somehow, I just don’t see myself watching Degrassi: The Musical Generation, I mean GLEE, anymore.

 

[this joke courtesy of @ForeverNATE85]

YouTube Twilight Fans Go Crazy Over Breaking Dawn Trailer Preimere

While most of us gay hearts weep tears of blood over anything having to do with Twilight (except for maybe Taylor Lautner's half naked bod), this YouTube mash up of fan reaction to the next installment Breaking Dawn will have you breaking down with laughter. I guess I get where they're coming from, I had the same reaction downloading Lady GaGa's new album and playing it for the first time. So there you go.

 

Batman With Armpit Stains

 
Holy batshit! The perspiring idiot in this weepy Batman costume is Mark Wayne Williams and he was arrested for hanging from the top wall of a business in Petosky, Michigan. Apparently he has done this before and he was carrying some kind of weapon. The real crime here though is the fact that he had to gross everyone out by raising his arms into the air and showing off his nasty sweaty pits. Gag. I hope he gets Catwoman for a judge and she sentences him to deodorizing five times day and 10 years of hard theme park labor in a really bad Joker costume. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elizabeth Taylor's Passing

We all knew it was coming for some time, but it was a weepy surreal moment nonetheless. Not as shocking as Michael, but felt just as deep, like losing a dear friend who inspired you in so many different ways. 

When Elizabeth Taylor made many of her classic movies, I had not yet been born or I was very young. I ended up seeing many of them in film classes throughout college and with my movie buff friend Bruce. She took my breath away in Giant (and so did James Dean!), her performance as sexually frustrated Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof was mesmerizing, and I was in complete awe watching her as crazed alcoholic Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

The legacy of film entertaninment Elizabeth Taylor leaves behind is staggering....National Velvet, Butterfield 8, Father of the Bride, Suddenly Last Summer, Taming of the Shrew, Cleopatra, A Place in the Sun... if you are a younger gay heart and have never see her films, I recommend lining up that queue on Netflix! You won't be able to take your eyes off of her (unless you are a gay heart boy watching Giant, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, or Suddenly Last Summer - your eyes will roam. You won't be able to say no to the James, Paul, and Montgomery Eye Candy.)

Besides her amazing films, I also remember Elizabeth Taylor's love of the gay community and all she's done to fight AIDS (when no one else influential was doing anything). She was truly an icon, a remarkable woman - her stunning outside beauty only complimented the compassion and strength she exuded from the inside. My favorite quote from Elizabeth is "I'm a survivor. I'm a living example of what people can go through and survive." 

While surfing YouTube for videos of her to post, I found this AMAZING interview with Eric Allen. He just uploaded it and apparently it's never been seen by the public. Eric interviewed Elizabeth during a photo shoot for a Kenneth Cole World AIDS Day ad campaign to raise awareness. She talks quite candidly about AIDS, her foundation, and how she got involved in the very beginning. The full video is 12 minutes long, which can seem like 4 hours to some, so if you want a taste of the best part, I recommend starting at 6 minutes. The dude in the tie and vest is Kenneth Cole. Sharon Stone, Tom Hanks, and a few others celebs were also there. Thanks for sharing this intimate talk Eric Allen, it's inspiring to see.

  

Quotes from Elizabeth:

"I resented my fame all my life, and then I thought that instead of resenting my fame, I'm going to use it. Because I was sitting back and becoming outraged that no one was doing anything about this on coming epidemic."

"I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about AIDS. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell AIDS.'"

"It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance."

 

 

"I believe in mind over matter and doing anything you set your mind on."

 

 

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."

 

 

"I sweat real sweat and I shake real shakes."

 

 

"Everything makes me nervous - except making films."

 

 
 "I have a woman's body and a child's emotions."

 

  

"It's not the having, it's the getting."

 

"I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them."

 

 

"Nobody tells me who to love, or not to love, who to be seen with and who not to be seen with."

 

 

"I've always admitted that I'm ruled by my passions."

 

 
"I had a hollow leg. I could drink anyone under the table and not get drunk, my capacity was terrifying."

 

  

"I know I'm vulgar, but would you have me any other way?" 

 

 

 

 "When people say, She's got everything, I've got one answer - I haven't had tomorrow."

 

 "I really don't remember much about Cleopatra, there were other things going on..."

 

"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."

 

"Big girls need big diamonds."

 

"He is part of my heart. We would do anything for each other."

 

 

"[2005] There`s still so much more to do. I can`t sit back and be complacent, and none of us should be. I get around now in a wheelchair, but I get around."

 

"I've been through it all, baby, I'm mother courage."

 

 

 Rest in peace Dame Elizabeth, our gay hearts weep, but we are thankful to have been touched by such a brilliant, beautiful, loving woman, we will never forget you.

 

Lord of the Dance 3D

 

Let the weeping begin. Followed by gagging, and possibly a little puke. Lord of the Dance in 3D? WTF??? It looks like one of those bad SNL skits that gets movie treatment. Thankfully, for us terrified gay hearts Lord of the Dance 3D will only be clogging up theaters for one week. Yes, they are promoting it as a limited engagment to lure moviegoers into theatres for the 3D experience.....which I do not even get. Does anyone really want to watch Michael Flatley dance in 3D? His he naked? Do they think we will be impressed by kicking feet and laser spotlights in 3D? It will be interesting to see how the film plays out at the box office and how fast afterwords the commericals will start up for the DVD release. One thing is for sure, with theatres spooling out Lord of the Dance, Red Riding Hood, Battle For LA, and Disney's scary-bad Moms Needs Mars, many gay hearts will be making it a Netflix night.

 

 

Keeping A Netflix Movie For 3 Months

 
My gay heart wept when I found this netflix dvd buried in a pile of papers on my desk. Yes, I am admitting to the world I've held on to this copy of Date Night since November. And yes, I know, I could have bought a copy of it for the price I've paid in membership fees to keep it nestled in papers on my desk. I could give a million excuses as to why I never watched it ranging from The Real Housewives of Atlanta/Beverly Hills addiction to the fact there were sooo many good movies in the theaters during the holidays. Is it time to send it back? Or should I keep it for another month? What's the longest you've kept a Neflix movie?

 

Bait-and-Switch 3-D Movies

By Michelle Quevedo

I’m SO weepy tired of films shot in 2 Dimensional(2-D) and then digitally adapted for 3-D!

The old bait-and-switch techniques are alive and well in the 3-D genre and all the major film studios are guilty of using it to pad their pockets while viewers are left unsatisfied.

Lately the movie industry has been working at a frenzied pace to produce their films in 3 Dimensional format. That’s 3-D for the rest of us who really don’t care what it’s called but do want the movie experience enhanced while watching Action and Animation films. Opinions have been across the board as to whether or not the public loves, likes or hates 3-D films. Why? Because some studios actually deliver up to the 3-D experience, while in some back building they take 2-D films already in postproduction and digitally adapt them to 3-D format. This is why some LOVE the 3-D experience in theatres and others vehemently HATE the experience. It’s very much like buying a Coke and being served up Diet Coke instead! Blech! >.<

What are the results from this 3-D adaptation process? Well ask anyone who has watched movies like Clash of the Titans in 3-D or Disney’s Alice in Wonderland. Double Blech! >.< (Although Truth be told, Clash of the Titans was awesome in 2-D) 

Movies actually filmed in 3-D format absolutely ROCK!

Films such as Avatar and Legend of the Guardian’s really take 3-D to its current limit and pull viewers even deeper into their story telling.

3-D movie technology has really taken huge leaps in its progression right down to the glasses. No more square cardboard framed bi-colored cellophane lenses, now we wear “Wayfarer” style plastic frames with smokey colored lenses. So now we can look really cool in the dark with our black-framed 3-D glasses. Okay so maybe I’m lying about the cool part, but they do make us look Geeky which can lead to being cool Right?

Hmm…okay maybe not. -.-

 -M-

STALKERMOMS AND TWI-HARDS

 

By Benjamin Kissell

What makes a gay heart weep? Logging onto his myspace page and finding this photo tagged [yes, this photo is from August 2008, and yes, I am wearing make-up, thank you very much]. Bad enough to be coerced by a boss [read: bullied and paid] into portraying our 'favourite' [shoot me] vampire, Twilight's very own stalker extraordinaire, but finding photographic evidence? #gayheartshame

August 2008's release of Breaking Dawn introduced a whole different level of stalker-dom [Harry Potter fans are sane in comparison, FYI] as encompassed at the bookstore where I work. Being skinny(ish) with poofy hair and strong cheekbones got this gay heart into trouble.

Not only does the book advocate a new level of May/December romance [a virgin at 117? honey, that's lame, shameful and reduces a gay heart to weeping tatters] but, it practically lays itself out as the new Stalker's Handbook.

On top of the stereotypical fans, Twi-hards, a whole new breed of fanatics came out of the coffin - StalkerMoms. Mothers of the teens reading the books fell HARD for the glittery/be-dazzled vampire as well as the muscled and shirtless werewolf. Seriously. Hard. Unhelpful are the movies; casting the most foppish Brit to hop across the pond since Hugh Grant and the most muscled teen since Adonis. Randy, middle-aged mothers across the globe didn't stand a chance.

Nor does a gay heart's stomach - I may wretch.

By our fourth Twilight event (book releases/movie premiers) almost as many StalkerMoms were coming as the Twi-hard teens. For the dvd release of New Moon I posed for 17 photos with StalkerMoms. 17. Say it with me: seven-teen.

When it comes down to it, a gay heart can only take so much Twi-hard-fandom and glitter (outside of a Cher show, noone needs that much glitter) and must run away from the StalkerMoms.

In retalliation?

 

Say it with me, Twi-hards: Pattinautner.

HARRY POTTER FAN-FICTION OBSESSIONS

 
By Benjamin Kissell

With the release of the newest Harry Potter film millions of gay hearts are weeping with joy [mine included]. And more than a few weep in consternation.

Many a gay heart grew up from tween to twink on the JK Rowling franchise. It is no surprise that on many fanpages there are fan-fictions starring Harry Potter in a gay heart role ... and that these are primarly written by teenaged straight girls [aka Future Fruit Flies and FagHags].

In these fanfics they've had Scarhead hook-up with everyone from the obvious (Ron), to the macabre (Voldemort, Snape and Lucius Malfoy), to the downright oogie (Dumbledore). [Say it with me, people; Statutory Rape].

But, if the internet is anything to go by, the most common fanfic pairing is Harry and Draco Malfoy.  
 
When my roommates and I went to the Midnight Release of Deathly Hallows Part 1 [don't judge me] we went in-costume. [Again, don't judge me.] Johnny was Barty Crouch Jr (a Death Eater), Marguerite was Narcissa Malfoy (Lucius' wife/Draco's mother) and Melanie was a Beauxbatons student (French Wizarding School). Of course I was Harry.

The part that made this gay heart weep? When the 21 yr old girl next to me in the theatre whispered to her friend that I was "obviously fanfic Harry."

Seriously.

Mind you, this is because I was "obviously too sexy to be book Harry and kiss boys". [Thanks for the snap judgement, that's my job, thank you.]

Fanfic writers (and photoshoppers): slurp a cup o'coffee, push away from the keyboard, shave, throw on some nice togs and meet your gay heart friends at the local bar and have a few drinks. A cosmotini if you must. Because, as good as it is to write, when you live fanfic'ing any one thing, you limit yourself.

And make this gay heart - and many others - weep.

Of course, if you're Cassie Claire you'll just get a book deal and pen 4 NYTimes bestselling YA books [not bitter in the least]. And then, you'll make this gay heart weep with green-eyed jealousy.

 

PS - these are the most PG of the photos I found (seriously, Harry and Draco are up to some kinky sh*t online).

Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, and Dominic Monaghan Are Not Gay

 

The boys are hot, funny, playful, down to earth, comfortable with who they are - plus all three are AMAZING actors! Elijah, Sean, and Dominic you can join our team anytime!  And speaking of Lord of the Rings, many gay hearts have STOPPED weeping for the Middle Earth now that The Hobbit is back in production with Peter Jackson. Can't wait!!!!!!! My gay heart will be pounding!

Fashion Violation

 
 Somewhere in Italy Miccia Prada just screamed. Prada on the ass is never a good thing.