What makes a Gay Heart Weep tears of glitter-streaked mascara? Why walking into his local Walgreens (I mean drug store) and finding these *cough* lovely *cough* ornaments gracing the shelves.
The Jersey Shore serialized into cheap plastic 2 for $10 ornaments just screams Merry Christmas, doesn't it? C'mon, isn't this really what every household needs?
Dial "G" for Goombas.
The perfect Christmas ornament: Glitter Herpes.
Giving guilt as a Christmas gift is a surefire way to make a gay heart weep, then slap you (in that order) - well, that is unless it is said gay heart gifting the guilt.
sidenote: gilt (foil-wrapped chocolate coins) is a damn fine Hanukkah gift; that is all.
When Christmas shopping for the gay heart(s) in your family, please keep a few key ideas at the forefront of your to-get list:
1. Shiny is good, when it comes to jewelry and electronics, but BAD when it comes to clothing [read: whole entries devoted to Ugly Christmas Sweaters ... or see below, but, brace your eyes.]
2. Expensive is good (heck, sometimes it's great), but, looking expensive while being affordable is better [therefore, noone is in need of wrapping said electronics in a fine tissue paper of guilt, covered in a guilt-and-green wrapping paper tied with a golden guilt ribbon].
3. Remember, crafty is always an option - who doesn't love that sweet, heartfelt gift/card that came from their 6 year old neice? [You know, the one you slipped into your desk drawer meaning to keep in a safe spot and conveniently 'forgot' about?] But, crafty is a double-edged sword ... there is a fine line between crafty and folks-y and crappy. Just because you spent 20-bucks on a felt and beaded Christmas card to make it look homemade and nice doesn't mean it does. [Looking at you, Michaels Craftstore.]
4. It truly is the thought that counts, sending a lovely Christmas card to your gay heart with a passive-aggressive message in it - *cough* looking at you, Great-Aunt Mildred *cough* - is a surefire Christmas Guilt Gift faux-pas. After all, the last thing a gay heart needs when opening his/her tiny-ass apartment mailbox is a Christmas card dripping with lines like "Wishing you a Happy Christmas, may the season bring all the love of Christ into your heart" and in tiny cramped hand-writing, "so that next year, you will be on the straight and narrow." [Thanks, remember, I'm a Hebrew, Mildred? Christian guilt? Not working here. I kiss boys and eat latkes.]
Otherwise, when a hideous and un-thought out Christmas gift is given with guilt to a gay heart, painful grimaces and gay heart tantrums occur and unflattering facebook photos are taken/posted.
I'd like to be blunt now:
Stop Giving Puppies and Kittens
As Christmas gifts!!!
If you want to buy something warm and fuzzy for your loved ones, then buy them a bathrobe or maybe even a :::Gulp::: Snuggie, but please for the love of all that is furry and cute, don't give them a puppy or a kitten! Dog pounds and animal shelters overflow with unwanted young dogs and cats shortly after the winter holiday season is over. Yes, many of these former pet owners can be deemed as heartless and irresponsible, but there are also the irresponsible gift-givers to consider as well.
There’s something quite disturbing about individuals who purchase puppies and kittens to give as gifts to people whom they’ve neglected to even ask if they wanted one. It’s sad that these gift-givers think only of their own happiness of giving these little creatures as Christmas gifts, and never give the slightest thought of the suffering they have made for the puppies and kittens when they are found unwanted. Many people who purchase puppies and kittens as Christmas gifts rarely consider if the puppy or kitten fits the lifestyle of the gift receiver. In other words, people rarely research the temperament of the breeds they purchase, and that leads to misunderstood, abused and neglected animals.
A gift is never worth the price of creating suffering for any living being.
Choosing not to give Puppies and Kittens as gifts for the Christmas, makes Gay and Lesbian hearts weep with joy…