Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

Good Riddance Yellow Pages

I wept every time I had to open one! They will not be missed. RIP.

 

Doll Flowers

I'm scared just looking at the picture. I just know Marie Osmond is behind this horror bouquet!

 

 

 

A Redneck Mailbox

 

The Turdunkin Turkey

Yes, it's possible to weep and barf at the same time. Behold, a turkey covered in candy sprinkles on top of a Dunkin Donuts Glaze. It may not taste horrible, but it looks like a diabetic coma waiting to happen.

And what the Turdunkin turkey is served is even weepier:

Mashed hashbrowns and coffee gravey...gag....

Check out the recipe at Unwholesome Foods.

 

IDIOTS IN CHARGE OF LIGHTING THE BBQ

Let the eyebrow and hair burnings begin! Seems like there is always one moron at the BBQ who doesn't think the briquettes are heating properly and they pour lighter fluid all over them like they're a bowl of Cherrios! Somebody get the garden hose!

Check out the BBQ lighting fail below. Idiot deserves to have his balls burned off! Keep an eye on those dumbasses lurking around the BBQ - Don't let your pool party turn into an ER scene from Grey's Anatomy. Happy Memorial Day!

   

 

SINGING IN[DOORS] THE RAIN

 

By Benjamin Kissell

What makes a Gay Heart Weep like an Extrme Home Makeover candidate with [closet-case] Ty Pennington's arms wrapped around his shoulders? Why, it's the need for home rennovation or repair - simple words which can strike a cold, dread fear into a Gay Heart's ... uhm, gay heart.

Now, don't get me wrong - many a Gay Heart is more than proficient in working power tools [outside of the bedroom at that] - but, we ALL know that any home repair project will take 2-10 times longer than estimated and make everyone involved suffer like a Rebecca Black music video [and if you don't get that reference, be oh-so-very glad].

After my adventures with the Panic[bath]Room in LA, you'd think I'd have had my fill of bathroom hi-jinks. Which is why this completely caught me off-guard yesterday morning.

........................

 

Still groggy [read: late night with editing and reading british chick lit with a Guinness chaser], I shuffle into my shared bathroom - my roommate's cat nipping at my fuzzy-pink house slippers - at an unGodly hour [okay, so it was 9am, potato/po-tah-to] still in my pajamas. Exhausted, the 3 foot walk from my bedroom door to the bathroom door is interminable.

With the cat solidly placing herself on my foot - belly up, demanding love and rubs - I nudge the door open and am greeted by the softly filtered light through the blinds. My morning ablutions wait for no man and soon I am sitting on the [closed, I'm not that crass] toilet letting my morning face-wash clear my pores when I hear a strange sound ...

#plunk

This piques my interest, but not enough to open my eyes. Soon, it is joined by a second and third ...

#plunk - plunk

By the time I'm washing my face-wash off in the sink the quiet plunk has almost started its own band. I pop open my eyes ... and see nothing amiss. Reaching for the handtowel I dry myself off and tilt my head backwards.

#plunk-thunk-blecht-FUCK

That? Was the sound of a steady stream of water pouring straight down in a series of "small" drips on my face from THE CEILING. Ceiling water in a bathroom translates to toilet-pipe water. Toilet-pipe water just fell all over my Just. Washed. Face.

Repressing the urge to scream [in a totally butch and manly way, of course], run and hide under the covers muttering "PlagueAin'tGonnaGetMe", I frantically wash my face in the sink until my face is sore - I shall be clean.

Washing my face almost-raw, I'm trembling with unease. Looking in the mirror, my eye catches onto something: what appears to be a large bubble directly over the shower-curtain bar.

Slowly, I turn. [Cue the horror-movie theme music.]

The bubble? Is the bowed-out drop-ceiling tile.

Being the smart, college-educated and well-read person brimming with common-sense I do what anyone with 2 functioning brain-cells wouldn't do ... I poke it with my fingertip.

The ensuing deluge of toilet-pipe-water streaming down and loud string of expletives were seen coming by anyone-other-than-me a mile away.

The next hour found me scoured [again], dressed nicely and calmly down at the apartment complex' main office where I politely [I know, I'm surprised, too] told the owners about my little "bathroom ceiling troubles". Being the efficient and on-the-ball people that they are [I'm not being sarcastic, for once] they promise to deal with it and by the time I got home from my erranding, I was greeted by this:

 

They promise the job (something to do with replacing 3 major pipes) will be done in 2-4 days. Who's betting on 2-4 weeks?

Laundry Day

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

Douchebag Dating: Guys That Lead You On

By Caleb Wessel

Something that makes all gay hearts weep, or even straight hearts for that matter are people who feel compelled to lead you on in such a way that is just utterly confusing, hurtful, and downright rude. You can find yourself with someone who flirts just enough to make you believe that you may have a chance with them as a boyfriend, only to find out that they have a boyfriend or "are not into the dating scene" (Worst words to hear, especially if its right after a night of alcohol-induced promiscuity with someone you have liked for a long, long time). Though the utter worst case is actually something that I can speak from experience ... the one night stand, however mine was probably one of the worst cases of this known to mankind. The one night stand stemming from about a month of flirtation, promises, and lovey dovey notes is one that will really make your gay heart weep bitter tears of remorse, hatred, and confusion.

Cue sad music ... I'm going to go with "Fooled Me Again, Honest Eyes" by Lady GaGa considering this literally word for word (aside from switching girl to boy) on how much the dating community can fool, hurt, and depress any human.

I found a guy randomly on a site that we are going to call Plenty of Liars. We hit it off almost immediately and though at first I wasn't completely convinced he used beautiful strings of gorgeous words that I wanted ... needed to hear. How stunning my personality is, how badly he wanted to be with me, all these dates he wanted to go on, everything he wanted to do with me, how beautiful, hot, and gorgeous I am (even after he asked for a picture without my makeup on). We spent every single day texting each other for hours, we spent time on the phone telling each other how much we loved each others voices, how amazing we felt speaking with each other.

Finally, we were able to plan a day to meet and oh how excited I was. I completely believed that we were going to end up dating, he was even clingy and jealous (A type that is very underrated). He was even upset when I kissed another guy when I wasn't 100% sure whether he was real or not, which had made me realize that I really did want him because of his reaction ... I started counting down the days, hours, minutes which were all spent talking to him.

When the day finally arrived I spent the whole day completely nervous and shaking, I couldn't get my mind off of him, and when I finally met him my heart soared. Not only did he look exactly like his pictures and was not some 40 year old but his personality soared even more in person.

We started making our way back to my house (He needed to take a shower because he had been modelling for a beauty school's student out here so he had traces of makeup on that he didn't want on him) and he said he was nervous, I asked why and he told me that he wasn't sure if I still liked him in person, which of course I did and I said that ...

On our way up my apartment stairs he grabbed me and started kissing me, I felt instant electricity and he almost knocked me right off my feet. Only twice in my life have I felt a kiss like that so full of passion and desire before that one. Little did I know how much he was fooling me ...

Once he showered we cuddled and kissed on my couch talking about everything life had to offer. We watched Family Guy and talked some more, made food and basically just had an amazing evening. I leaned in to kiss him again and suddenly he was on my lap, I'll leave what ended up happening to the imagination but suffice to say it was amazing.

The morning came around and things started happening again, I made breakfast and we ate and spoke some more. Once he had taken a shower and hopped out I decided to take one as well, he kissed me and said don't take too long, gorgeous.

Little did I know that was the last time I would see him because when I hopped out of the shower he was no where to be seen. Crushed, I searched my apartment wondering if he was maybe playing a joke on me, I went into the hallway, walked all the way to the front door in tears hoping that maybe, perhaps, just perhaps he was just playing a trick on me albeit a mean, cruel trick considering he knew what guys have done to me in the past.

Of course he was no where to be found, I went upstairs and just bawled my eyes out singing to GaGa's song "You fooled me again, fooled me again with your honest, honest, honest eyes. Again, fooled me again with your dirty mouth filled with honest lies."

This is not just a story, but a plea to the community in general. Stop being fucking sluts, if you want a one night stand tell the other person that is what this is, or at least don't tell them how much you want a relationship and lead them on like this.

My Gay Heart had never wept as much as I did that next day, never before have I been fooled to that point before, never have I been walked over like that before, treated like such utter filth and dirt. There is no excuse or reason to ever treat someone like that, no one deserves to be treated as such.

--Caleb

Bad Disney Products

 
Hooker Tinkerbell pillow spotted at Wally World. Disney's quality control elves missed this one.

 

 

Keith Olbermann Leaves MSNBC

By Michelle Quevedo

Not just the Gays but much of America Weeps over Keith Olbermann’s exit from MSNBC.

When the airwaves are bombarded with violent speech, censored coverage and fabricated news, Keith Olbermann has always been on the side of what was fair and what was true. This of course has made him very unpopular among his journalist colleagues and the executives of MSNBC along with their new owner Comcast.

When other journalist shied away from trying to explain the validity of Gay Rights, Keith Olbermann was putting a spotlight on the subject and challenged anyone to dialogue and articulate why Gays should not have the rights they seek. Not surprisingly, none would accept his challenge. When we would see other media figures belittle the importance of Gay Rights, Keith Olbermann was right there to call each and every one of them out on it. On MSNBC Keith Olbermann was never on the side of the Liberals, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Conservatives, the Religious Radicals, or even Corporate America. Keith Olbermann always sided with the truth, and for that he made his network owners uncomfortable.

Keith Olbermann was often times the dissenting voice of the media, when hateful and untrue rhetoric plagued the airwaves. He often clearly and effectively stated things that many of us felt, but did not have the courage or the ability to articulate what needed to be said. Even though MSNBC still has contracts with fantastic journalists like Rachel Maddow, Chris Mathews and a few other great media talents, time will tell if it can distinguish itself from other news networks now that Keith Olbermann is gone from its roster. Without Keith Olbermann one wonders whether MSNBC will keep its audience in his old time slots. So for all those at Comcast and MSNBC, best wishes on the rocky course you’re setting, and in the words of Keith Olbermann “Good Night and Good Luck!”

-M-

 

 

Upside Down Christmas Trees

 
When the ridiculous weepy trend of hanging your Christmas tree upside down came into the lime light several years ago, gay hearts everywhere wept in WTF? astonishment. Upside down Christmas trees look like a tornado that just took out the decoration factory in Santa's Village.

Truth is the upside down Christmas trees actually began in Europe during the middle ages and were considered Christian representations of the Holy Trinity. Unfortunately the upside down Christmas tree is alive and well today in holiday commercial land, having nothing to do with the Trinity and making most that see them exclaim, "Holy shit, what the hell is that?"

While weeping gay hearts are reaching for a chainsaw to cut down these fugly tornadoes, Charlie Brown shakes his head at them and the whos of whoville run screaming back into their little who houses. Upside down trees are upside down stupid.

 

Target, Home Depot, Sears and Sam's Club, all sold tornado trees this year, encouraging this weepy-weird trend to continue. Those that love them claim the ornaments hang better, but that's because they are standing on their heads and all that blood is rushing to their brains causing them to hallucinate.

Tornado trees in waiting rooms? Seriously??? Like an upside down sign, a gay heart wouldn't be able to contain themselves at the sight of this and would immediately turn it upright and start redecorating. Or they would simply drag it to the trash bin.

 

  

 

Spongebob Snuggie

 
OH NOOOOO! THEY GOT OUR BOY! NOT SPONGEBOB! AAAAAAAAAGH!! My gay heart is weeping uncontrollably. I could not believe my burning eyes at Walgreens (hence the blurry pic). Surely Spongebob was forced to do this agaisnt his will. He would never sell out like this! ....er...oh wait...yeah, I guess he would. I already have a soft, fuzzy spongebob to throw around me and keep me cozy, and I'm happy to say it's a BLANKET, not a fuckin Snuggie. 

 

 

Tacky Hanukkah decor

 
By Benjamin Kissell

Menorah, I hardly know her.

Obviously, Christians don't hold the monopoly on tacky holiday decor. There are epic failures in every denomination which, when sighted, will cause a gay heart to weep; reducing our gay heart into a crumpled mess.

In a world full of blow-up snowmen, Santas, inflato-baby Jesus(es?), and reindeer rear-ends to plant in the yard, the Chosen People are not immune to weep-inducing yard and car ornaments.

When taking a brisk wintry walk, a gay heart (like mine) can be caught off-guard by such ghastly sights, eliciting strangled cries as "Oy" and "Sweet Adonai" [translation: 'Sweet G*D'] when espying electric green menorah, inflato-dreidels or - the worst offender of them all - the giant neon purple LED Star of David.

When out to cause a gay heart - especially a Judaic gay heart - to weep, this is indeed a surefire method.