Gift Violation
Bad Valentine's Day Gifts
Gay or straight, this is definitely a Valentine fail.
...and so is cheap-ass candy hearts that taste like chalk.
Only if it comes with razor blades.
Probably not a good idea.
Whatever a bitch smells like can't be good.
If your lover loves beer, they will probably hit you with this one.
Even as a joke this is the fastest way not to get sex on VD.
Really???
Hooter's wings on Valentine's = Break Up
It sprays poisonous gas too.
The pink gun supporting Breast Cancer may seem like a good idea to make your Valentine swoon, but when she aims it at your balls, you'll regret not going with your first instinct: anything from the jewelry store.
Bad Mother's Day Gifts
You might think Mom will enjoy discovering what The Secret is and opening herself up to positive thinking, but you know better than that! Mom is set in her ways, will not watch some brainwashing cult silliness and it's Mother's Day! She's going to throw it at you and say: "Where the hell is my new Johnny Depp movie?!"
ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH COOKING OR CLEANING
Give this Dustbuster to Mom and watch her bust you in the head with it! Or make you clean up the area around the cat box.
Unless the fancy food processor is hiding a gift card for a weekend away at a resort spa in wine country, it could very well be given back to you at Christmas.
SCARY FLORAL ARRANGMENTS
If the first thing out of Mom's mouth is a scream followed by: "Why are they staring at me, I don't like them staring!" you'll know the exotic floral arrangement they talked you into at the flower shop was a dumbass move.
CHEAP CHOCOLATE
Mom knows cheap-ass chocolate when she see's it! Remember who taught you to shop? She will be looking for the gold diva or the white grannie. Best go get in line!
E-CARDS
You could send Mom twenty of these creepy emails with the cat dancing AND singing, and she will still require you to go to a store and get a real Mother's Day card. And as is customary with this Mother's Day shopping hell ritual, you will stand in front of the greeting cards for no less than half an hour weeping because they all suck.
Trendy Restaurants
Taking Mom to a hip eatery that specializes in organic tofu and is named after a kitchen appliance is definitely a dangerous thing to do. The weeping could turn into Mother's Day Bitchfest 2011: "I don't get this. It's weird. What are we doing here? This menu scares me....These chairs feel like cement...The food looks weird... I'm not eating anything that is staring at me."
Waiting Till The Last Minute To Make Mothers Day Reservations at Mom's Favorite Restaurant
Your gay heart just took a weeping crash at the gates of The Cheesecake Factory on Mother's Day. You could suggest Denny's or In and Out Burger but she will definitely slap you. Best bet is to put your chef hat on and whip up something amazing. It's your only way out. If you can't cook you better pretend like you can and run to the nearest grocery store deli. Oh and you'll need a fabulous chocolate desert - then Mom just might forgive you! Happy Mother's Day to all you amazing Moms!
Waiting Till The Last Minute To Get A Gift
...and walking into a store to that looks like this will make a gay heart weep. Especially if they have to resort to buy anything from this corner of weeping hell:
Thank God for gift cards.
Gifts That Will Get Returned: Ugly Pajamas
Many gay hearts love to wear fun, novelty PJ's on Christmas Day or cold winter nights, but these blinding purple nightmares with creepy-eyed owls will not only make a gay heart weep, but send them screaming out into a snow drift. Never give a gay heart ugly PJ's, you might be unwrapping them yourself next year!
TACKY GIFT: Spun Glass Figurines
My Grandma would have wept over getting one of these atrocious spun glass nightmares and she had a collection of spun glass that was glasstastic ! (Castles and dragons and shitl). Unless it's from Disney, you never want to give a gay heart spun glass (especially the cheap kind) because, just like a cocktail glass they will take it and throw it at the nearest fireplace.
