Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

Surviving Valentine's Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Valentine's Day Gifts

Gay or straight, this is definitely a Valentine fail.

 

 

...and so is cheap-ass candy hearts that taste like chalk.

 

 

 Only if it comes with razor blades.

 

 

Probably not a good idea.

 

 
Whatever a bitch smells like can't be good.

 

 

If your lover loves beer, they will probably hit you with this one.

 

Even as a joke this is the fastest way not to get sex on VD.

 

Really???

 

 

Hooter's wings on Valentine's = Break Up

 

It sprays poisonous gas too.

 

The pink gun supporting Breast Cancer may seem like a good idea to make your Valentine swoon, but when she aims it at your balls, you'll regret not going with your first instinct: anything from the jewelry store.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Mother's Day Gifts

You might think Mom will enjoy discovering what The Secret is and opening herself up to positive thinking, but you know better than that! Mom is set in her ways, will not watch some brainwashing cult silliness and it's Mother's Day! She's going to throw it at you and say: "Where the hell is my new Johnny Depp movie?!"

 

ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH COOKING OR CLEANING

 

 

 

Give this Dustbuster to Mom and watch her bust you in the head with it! Or make you clean up the area around the cat box.

 

Unless the fancy food processor is hiding a gift card for a weekend away at a resort spa in wine country, it could very well be given back to you at Christmas. 

 

SCARY FLORAL ARRANGMENTS

 

 
If the first thing out of Mom's mouth is a scream followed by: "Why are they staring at me, I don't like them staring!" you'll know the exotic floral arrangement they talked you into at the flower shop was a dumbass move.

 

CHEAP CHOCOLATE

 
Mom knows cheap-ass chocolate when she see's it! Remember who taught you to shop? She will be looking for the gold diva or the white grannie. Best go get in line!

 

E-CARDS

 

You could send Mom twenty of these creepy emails with the cat dancing AND singing, and she will still require you to go to a store and get a real Mother's Day card. And as is customary with this Mother's Day shopping hell ritual, you will stand in front of the greeting cards for no less than half an hour weeping because they all suck. 

 

Trendy Restaurants

 
Taking Mom to a hip eatery that specializes in organic tofu and is named after a kitchen appliance is definitely a dangerous thing to do. The weeping could turn into Mother's Day Bitchfest 2011: "I don't get this. It's weird. What are we doing here? This menu scares me....These chairs feel like cement...The food looks weird... I'm not eating anything that is staring at me."  

Waiting Till The Last Minute To Make Mothers Day Reservations at Mom's Favorite Restaurant

 
Your gay heart just took a weeping crash at the gates of The Cheesecake Factory on Mother's Day. You could suggest Denny's or In and Out Burger but she will definitely slap you. Best bet is to put your chef hat on and whip up something amazing. It's your only way out. If you can't cook you better pretend like you can and run to the nearest grocery store deli. Oh and you'll need a fabulous chocolate desert - then Mom just might forgive you! Happy Mother's Day to all you amazing Moms!

Waiting Till The Last Minute To Get A Gift

 
...and walking into a store to that looks like this will make a gay heart weep. Especially if they have to resort to buy anything from this corner of weeping hell:

 Thank God for gift cards.

 

 

Gifts That Will Get Returned: Ugly Pajamas

 
Many gay hearts love to wear fun, novelty PJ's on Christmas Day or cold winter nights, but these blinding purple nightmares with creepy-eyed owls will not only make a gay heart weep, but send them screaming out into a snow drift. Never give a gay heart ugly PJ's, you might be unwrapping them yourself next year!

 

TACKY GIFT: Spun Glass Figurines

 
My Grandma would have wept over getting one of these atrocious spun glass nightmares and she had a collection of spun glass that was glasstastic ! (Castles and dragons and shitl). Unless it's from Disney, you never want to give a gay heart spun glass (especially the cheap kind) because, just like a cocktail glass they will take it and throw it at the nearest fireplace.

Lame Stocking Stuffers: Crocs Key Chains

 
For the love of weeping gay hearts everywhere, why won't they go away! What's next earrings? I really can't see any child above the age of 3 being happy about getting this in their stocking. This leaves only two possible stocking recipients: A crazy aunt who has a football-sized key chain that already looks like a freak show with pom-poms and stuffed cartoon characters or a Chihuahua in need of a new chew toy.

Hideous Christmas Socks

 
It's bad enough to be visually assaulted by this on the aisle of a store, but one look at these fugly socks actually on someone and not only will a gay heart weep, they will reach for a blanket to get them covered up ASAP! Bright yellow toe = chew toy for your dog.

 

 

GUILT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT

 By Benjamin Kissell

Giving guilt as a Christmas gift is a surefire way to make a gay heart weep, then slap you (in that order) - well, that is unless it is said gay heart gifting the guilt.

sidenote: gilt (foil-wrapped chocolate coins) is a damn fine Hanukkah gift; that is all.

When Christmas shopping for the gay heart(s) in your family, please keep a few key ideas at the forefront of your to-get list:

1. Shiny is good, when it comes to jewelry and electronics, but BAD when it comes to clothing [read: whole entries devoted to Ugly Christmas Sweaters ... or see below, but, brace your eyes.]

 

2. Expensive is good (heck, sometimes it's great), but, looking expensive while being affordable is better [therefore, noone is in need of wrapping said electronics in a fine tissue paper of guilt, covered in a guilt-and-green wrapping paper tied with a golden guilt ribbon].

3. Remember, crafty is always an option - who doesn't love that sweet, heartfelt gift/card that came from their 6 year old neice? [You know, the one you slipped into your desk drawer meaning to keep in a safe spot and conveniently 'forgot' about?] But, crafty is a double-edged sword ... there is a fine line between crafty and folks-y and crappy. Just because you spent 20-bucks on a felt and beaded Christmas card to make it look homemade and nice doesn't mean it does. [Looking at you, Michaels Craftstore.]

 

4. It truly is the thought that counts, sending a lovely Christmas card to your gay heart with a passive-aggressive message in it - *cough* looking at you, Great-Aunt Mildred *cough* - is a surefire Christmas Guilt Gift faux-pas. After all, the last thing a gay heart needs when opening his/her tiny-ass apartment mailbox is a Christmas card dripping with lines like "Wishing you a Happy Christmas, may the season bring all the love of Christ into your heart" and in tiny cramped hand-writing, "so that next year, you will be on the straight and narrow." [Thanks, remember, I'm a Hebrew, Mildred? Christian guilt? Not working here. I kiss boys and eat latkes.]

Otherwise, when a hideous and un-thought out Christmas gift is given with guilt to a gay heart, painful grimaces and gay heart tantrums occur and unflattering facebook photos are taken/posted.

See?

Puppies and Kittens For Christmas

 

I'd like to be blunt now:

Stop Giving Puppies and Kittens 

As Christmas gifts!!!

If you want to buy something warm and fuzzy for your loved ones, then buy them a bathrobe or maybe even a  :::Gulp:::  Snuggie, but please for the love of all that is furry and cute, don't give them a puppy or a kitten! Dog pounds and animal shelters overflow with unwanted young dogs and cats shortly after the winter holiday season is over. Yes, many of these former pet owners can be deemed as heartless and irresponsible, but there are also the irresponsible gift-givers to consider as well.

 

There’s something quite disturbing about individuals who purchase puppies and kittens to give as gifts to people whom they’ve neglected to even ask if they wanted one. It’s sad that these gift-givers think only of their own happiness of giving these little creatures as Christmas gifts, and never give the slightest thought of the suffering they have made for the puppies and kittens when they are found unwanted. Many people who purchase puppies and kittens as Christmas gifts rarely consider if the puppy or kitten fits the lifestyle of the gift receiver. In other words, people rarely research the temperament of the breeds they purchase, and that leads to misunderstood, abused and neglected animals.

 
So think twice before you give your 80-year-old grandma an Australian Sheppard. Say NO to the thought of buying a kitten for your 8-year-old nephew with sociopathic tendencies.

A gift is never worth the price of creating suffering for any living being.

Choosing not to give Puppies and Kittens as gifts for the Christmas, makes Gay and Lesbian hearts weep with joy…

-M-

 

Gifts That Will Get Returned: The Slanket

 

AAAAAAAAAAGH my eyes! My weeping gay heart just went into a coma. It's bad enough that a Slanket even exists, but now they make them in scary prints like the one above that looks like carpeting from an arcade.

 

 

These weepy Slanket prints sell for the jaw dropping price of $32.99! The above Matrix-inspired disaster is called "Bits!" No doubt, if you stare at it too long your brain will fry and be blown into a million bits.

 

This circus tent would make even America's Top Model winner Ann Ward look fat.

 

It's called Nick's Lunch - possibly because he lost it all over this nasty Skanket. Burgers and hotdogs on a mustard yellow background? Beyond weeping.

And here we have a revolting Slanket for those that long to look like the umbrella on their patio.

 

Gift Violations: Cheap Fragrance

 
Never EVER give cheap fragrance to a gay heart boy or girl! Not only will they be weeping and gagging from the stank, they'll more than likely throw it back at you and say,"I don't wear eau d'gasoline!"

All things considered, cheap frangrance does make an AMAZINGLY FABULOUS gift for all the douchebags in your life! (the one ones you are forced to socialize with).There's a 99.9% chance that a cheap fragrance gift set will cause them to breakout, become nauseous, have headaches, and possibly attract unwanted attention from animals. 

And the best part is, if they're a dumbass douchebag, they'll BELIEVE the cheap fragrance is really sexy and walk around wearing it, smelling like an elephant's ass!