Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

DISRESPECTING HER MADGESTY

"Just like a prayer, no choice - your voice can take me there."

 

 

By Benjamin Kissell

What makes a Gay Heart Weep like a virgin denied satisfaction on his wedding night? Why, it’s someone slamming one of his (or her) Gaycons [gay icons for the gay vernacularly challenged]. Whether you love Cher, Ellen, Karen Walker, RuPaul or Liberace your gaycon is sacred; sacrosanct. Pity those who insult them. Fear the wrath of a worshipper scorned.

When it comes to my own gaycons I’ve a few. I love Cher [I’ve been known to “Swear to Cher” and my best friend’s ringtone for me is “Love is the Groove”] and Karen Walker has some of the best bitchy one-liners on tv, but my all-time top gaycon is … Madonna. The Queen of Pop herself.

From controversies to brilliant music videos and constantly re-inventing herself to stay ahead of the curve she’s done it all. Madonna is a force to be reckoned with (abysmal fake British-accent and all).

True blue fans of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer will flock to her side, I’m sure, when I mention the ridiculous and rather asinine [that’s a polite way of saying ‘flipping stupid’] “feud” Sir Elton John and his husband have (re)launched on the Queen of Pop.

This little bitch fest – c’mon, that’s all it really is, a high school cat-fight in the music industry – has been going on for years. Fans of the two record-setting pop stars surely know about the catty asides both have thrown towards each other.

Madonna, no stranger to fights with various pop/rock stars (her awkward moments with Courtney Love at the '95 VMAs or her infamous back-and-forths with Mariah Carey), is taking [surprisingly] the high road about it all (so far).

January 2011 saw a whirlwind global media tour Madonna embarked on for her film – including stops on 20/20, Nightline and the hilarious Graham Norton Show [gays, if you aren’t already watching our favourite BBC bad boy get started]. All of which will culminate in her SuperBowl Halftime show (with Nicki Minaj and MIA) and the subsequent release of her new studio album, tentatively titled MDNA.

(Norton hit the states – hard – in the award-winning and popular flick Not Another Gay Movie.)

Her Madgesty’s [c'mon, a play on Madonna’s nickname Madge, I couldn't resist] Jan 11^th appearance on his show contained a (rather brilliant) lampoon from the comedian-host regarding Sir Elton.

Known for his Camilla/horse jokes, Norton lively quipped about Madonna’s '90 VMA Vogue performance attire – couture Marie Antoinette costume – that “[Madonna] dressed like a 300 year old queen” and showed a glitzy-glitter shot of Sir Elton in one of his over-the-top costumes. Was it wrong? A little. But was it funny? You bet your gay-ass it was.

Personally? My own confessions (on a dance floor)? I’m betting it didn’t sit well with him.

VS

(The costumes in-reference PS - do you know how many different dresses "Elton John Glittery white dress" brings up on google-image? Answer: an assload, FYI. Also? I'm not even sure this is the same Elton dress, but, it's close enough for me.)

 

 

Tensions between the two pop royalties [he is SIR Elton after all] already strained, all that was required was a focus. Enter the 2012 Golden Globes. That night competition was tight, outfits tighter and attitudes were fierce. Claws? Were out.

Walking the red carpet, Sir Elton and his husband – David Furnish – answered questions looking rather gallant and handsome [what, I can still respect a good suit] and soon approached classic B-list celebrity host, Carson Daly. When asked to comment on the competition for “Best Original Song” they both had polite and almost-glowing remarks for Mary J. Blige, Glenn Close etc. But, when Carson asked about Madonna? Well, as Sir Elton once said … “the bitch is back”.

“She doesn’t have a fucking chance” he quipped into the microphone.

Cut to Carson sharing this with Madonna a few minutes later – like the high school gossip queen he is [Heathers anyone?]. Who took it in stride, poise and a quirked eyebrow.

When Adam Levine announced the win – Madonna – if you were lucky, you caught Sir Elton’s look onscreen. A cross between “Really?” and “That bitch”; someone obviously pissed in his wheaties.

Taking to facebook – because, isn’t that what all mature and responsible movie producers do? – Furnish lambasted Madonna for her win; calling it a popularity contest.

Yes, because Elton John is never consistently nominated for Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Peoples Choice, Grammys, or Tonys. Yepp, nothing but a popularity contest, boys.

Admittedly, I’m not the biggest fan of either Sir Elton or his husband – great marriage role models though they be – as I haven’t liked a song by him since Crocodile Rock and am primarily unimpressed with their movie collaborations. [Plus? That song was a total snooze-fest Lion King-wannabe-retread song. Sir Elton, you can do better. Sorta.]

Of course, Furnish didn’t leave it at that, he attacked Madonna’s commentary on Lady Gaga [who I’ll admit to not being a real fan of – you know, one of five gays in our country]. His tirade centered on a single well-chosen word Madonna used in describing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” track – “reductive” – during her Nightline interview. (Fans of both pop icons are no stranger to the song’s controversy and color commentary concerning its similarity to Madonna’s hit “Express Yourself”.)

Note, Madonna said the song was, not Gaga herself. In fact, during the same interview, Madonna praised Gaga’s musical accomplishments and said she reminded the Queen of herself at that age. Get your facts straight, Furnish.

 

 .............................

 

If you want to know the truth – [or at least this gay boy’s point of view] – I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that Madonna and Sir Elton collaborated on this. Feuds drive sales. Controversy drives sales. And who is better at sparking and quelling controversy than Madonna? Remember a little something called Erotica? Her Sex book? What was her response - Human Nature. And last year's kick-off, nicknamed Hydrangea-gate? Her response? [If not, go to youtube.com, look up 'Madonna Love Letter Hydrangea' and enjoy. You're welcome.]

“I’m not your bitch; don’t hang your shit on me.”

"Fuck you, Mother Fuckers."

NOTHING TO BE GLEEFUL ABOUT

by Benjamin Kissell

Nothing quite makes a Gay Heart Weep like getting smacked upside the head with unpleasant realizations. Like, and here’s an ugly one, you identify NOT with the extremely-relatable protagonists on what was once your favorite new show and no longer actually connect with the show itself but really connect with … the parents! This gay heart may have given vent to a healthy scream [okay, a scream, shout and several small temper tantrums may have happened, but, I dare you to find a witness] and a new [maybe my third] vow to walk away from the show.

I’m not gonna pretend I’m some tween or even early 20s gay heart – I am rather proud of my being 28, I mean 25, I mean … ahh Hell, 28 – but, it’s still kinda stress inducing [read: mild anxiety attacks soothed by random influxes of chocolate and Guinness] to watch a movie or tv show and identify with the parents (especially when the actors playing the teens are only a year or three younger than you).

A few years back (late June, 2005), my best friend [@ForeverNATE85 on Twitter, versus my @praetor1983] and I caught The Perfect Man [you know, that Hillary Duff/Heather Locklear/Chris Noth/Carson Kressley flick] and about 30 minutes in we realized that neither of us was identifying with the “stress” the teen character was in, but, the adult problems of her mother. That? Called for immediate medication/therapy [a quick jaunt to the store after the movie and spending too much money soothed my ego]. The killer part is we were only 19 and 21 when we saw it – compared to Duff at 18 and Locklear at 44 – and yet, we did not even bear mental resemblance to someone that close to our own ages.

Cut to me last month, coffee in-hand and chubby cat on my lap while I sat down to catch up on the first few episodes of GLEE [yes, I hate where the second season went and yes, I said I would try and give the third a chance – Marti Noxon from Buffy joined the crew, c’mon!]. I made it through the first two [mostly unscathed, but primarily unimpressed], but, Asian F? It made this gay heart threaten libel suits.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a bad episode – probably the best in a while. It was well-written, the actors actually had me [almost] caring what happened, but … when the most believable scene for me – the only one I saw any connection with – was when Mike Chang’s mother told her ‘I gave it up’ story I cried a little [some was the ‘aww that’s so sad’ cry but most was the ‘GAH; this bears repeating. The Mother. Again. GAH!’ cry].

That? Was the last straw. The shark has been jumped, circled back around and had a water-slide park built around it complete with flaming hoops. My hands? Washed.

Aside from this new season just lacking any other connection for me, my big complaint is that it began taking itself too seriously. When you stop taking an objective (or subjective) look at pop culture and begin aiming to be/influence it, you lose that initial outsider magic. The lightning in the bottle? Has officially been let out [at least for me and most of my friends]. GLEE isn’t a bad show, don’t get me wrong, but, the charm and aspect which drew us in? Gone. Blame it on bad writing, convoluted story-plots, “interesting” song/music choices, disjointed characters and story or whatever you want, my friends and I are done.

 

"Fuck you guys, we're going home."

 

We used to have our Tuesday Night Drinking Club [aka Glee Night] where a bunch of us would hang out, watch the new GLEE [on DVR to pass through the commercials, of course] and take shots – whether to various Brittany one-liners or to amazing songs. But, as the second season continued, our interest waned and with each passing episode it felt more like a chore and less like entertainment. By the end, we may have been taking shots to help us get through the episode instead of to celebrate it.

Since my ‘I’m done’ moment, I’ve been told mixed reactions to the recent episodes: Some positive, some ambivalent and more than a few were vocally negative. I? Just say ‘meh’ and neither watch them live nor catch them online anymore.

For example, the episode where Kurt and Blaine go “all the way”, which was supposed to really connect with its gay heart audience, came with a lot of flack from the few GLEE-watchers I still know. Various reports of a gay bar straight out of 1985 [gag], fully-clothed sex which was a so un-risque it used a cheap fireplace fadeout cut-away [as compared to season 1’s Like a Virgin sex number] and others left me luke-warm at best (mildly stabby at worst) and cemented my ‘No more GLEE’ stance.

What it boils down to is that I’m not their target audience anymore. When GLEE came out, it came out swinging in rainbow spangles and was a unique voice embracing its outsider-niche. It loved its cabaret-style bad outfits and Loser Like Me side. But, in its successive seasons, it’s become the network monster and, honestly, that’s just not what I connect with. I’m not a teenager whining about the spur-of-the-moment love you feel in Home Room and lose by Second Period Gym class. I’m a late-20s adult and a high school drama class is not where I intend to be.

 

Somehow, I just don’t see myself watching Degrassi: The Musical Generation, I mean GLEE, anymore.

 

[this joke courtesy of @ForeverNATE85]

Bait-and-Switch 3-D Movies

By Michelle Quevedo

I’m SO weepy tired of films shot in 2 Dimensional(2-D) and then digitally adapted for 3-D!

The old bait-and-switch techniques are alive and well in the 3-D genre and all the major film studios are guilty of using it to pad their pockets while viewers are left unsatisfied.

Lately the movie industry has been working at a frenzied pace to produce their films in 3 Dimensional format. That’s 3-D for the rest of us who really don’t care what it’s called but do want the movie experience enhanced while watching Action and Animation films. Opinions have been across the board as to whether or not the public loves, likes or hates 3-D films. Why? Because some studios actually deliver up to the 3-D experience, while in some back building they take 2-D films already in postproduction and digitally adapt them to 3-D format. This is why some LOVE the 3-D experience in theatres and others vehemently HATE the experience. It’s very much like buying a Coke and being served up Diet Coke instead! Blech! >.<

What are the results from this 3-D adaptation process? Well ask anyone who has watched movies like Clash of the Titans in 3-D or Disney’s Alice in Wonderland. Double Blech! >.< (Although Truth be told, Clash of the Titans was awesome in 2-D) 

Movies actually filmed in 3-D format absolutely ROCK!

Films such as Avatar and Legend of the Guardian’s really take 3-D to its current limit and pull viewers even deeper into their story telling.

3-D movie technology has really taken huge leaps in its progression right down to the glasses. No more square cardboard framed bi-colored cellophane lenses, now we wear “Wayfarer” style plastic frames with smokey colored lenses. So now we can look really cool in the dark with our black-framed 3-D glasses. Okay so maybe I’m lying about the cool part, but they do make us look Geeky which can lead to being cool Right?

Hmm…okay maybe not. -.-

 -M-

Waiting Till The Last Minute To Get A Gift

 
...and walking into a store to that looks like this will make a gay heart weep. Especially if they have to resort to buy anything from this corner of weeping hell:

 Thank God for gift cards.

 

 

HARRY POTTER FAN-FICTION OBSESSIONS

 
By Benjamin Kissell

With the release of the newest Harry Potter film millions of gay hearts are weeping with joy [mine included]. And more than a few weep in consternation.

Many a gay heart grew up from tween to twink on the JK Rowling franchise. It is no surprise that on many fanpages there are fan-fictions starring Harry Potter in a gay heart role ... and that these are primarly written by teenaged straight girls [aka Future Fruit Flies and FagHags].

In these fanfics they've had Scarhead hook-up with everyone from the obvious (Ron), to the macabre (Voldemort, Snape and Lucius Malfoy), to the downright oogie (Dumbledore). [Say it with me, people; Statutory Rape].

But, if the internet is anything to go by, the most common fanfic pairing is Harry and Draco Malfoy.  
 
When my roommates and I went to the Midnight Release of Deathly Hallows Part 1 [don't judge me] we went in-costume. [Again, don't judge me.] Johnny was Barty Crouch Jr (a Death Eater), Marguerite was Narcissa Malfoy (Lucius' wife/Draco's mother) and Melanie was a Beauxbatons student (French Wizarding School). Of course I was Harry.

The part that made this gay heart weep? When the 21 yr old girl next to me in the theatre whispered to her friend that I was "obviously fanfic Harry."

Seriously.

Mind you, this is because I was "obviously too sexy to be book Harry and kiss boys". [Thanks for the snap judgement, that's my job, thank you.]

Fanfic writers (and photoshoppers): slurp a cup o'coffee, push away from the keyboard, shave, throw on some nice togs and meet your gay heart friends at the local bar and have a few drinks. A cosmotini if you must. Because, as good as it is to write, when you live fanfic'ing any one thing, you limit yourself.

And make this gay heart - and many others - weep.

Of course, if you're Cassie Claire you'll just get a book deal and pen 4 NYTimes bestselling YA books [not bitter in the least]. And then, you'll make this gay heart weep with green-eyed jealousy.

 

PS - these are the most PG of the photos I found (seriously, Harry and Draco are up to some kinky sh*t online).