Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

SILENCING THE LAUGHTER

"Oh Amanda; dear sweet Amanda ... Don't you want to be saved?"

 

 

Benjamin Kissell

 

What makes a gay heart weep Dallas-sized tears of misery, anger and vexation? [Remember: everything's bigger in Texas ... including tantrums.] Why, it's finding out that one of your fast-favorite shows is cancelled. Case-in-point: GCB 

  

GCB (which stands for Good Christian B [rhymes with witches]) is one wrong-but-oh-so-right laugh after another each episode.

 

From Kristin Chenoweth's skyscraper Louboutins and impressive cleavage [remember, cleavage helps your cross hang straight, y'all] to Annie Potts' one-liners ["God often speaks to me through Christian Dior - I believe He'd like me to have a new fur coat"] the show delivers big hair, big ... accessories and big laughs.

 

What more could a gay heart ask for?

 

In an era of hyped-up controversy [I'm looking at you, Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh] where religion seems to be at war with a sense of humor and sex [let alone sexuality] GCB and its cast/crew took the chance to marry laughter and savior.

 

I was hooked the minute my friend showed me the pilot [almost a full week before it aired - take that people who didn't know they were competing with me] and I knew that, despite it's airing-delay (filmed back in early/mid 2011) audiences would connect with the Sex and the City/Desperate Housewives-esque clicque. Here came a show which had strong, funny, intelligent [we'll forgive Sharon Peachum's lapses due to naivte and earnestness - at least, that's what we'll call it] and well-written women.

 

The fact that there's a gorgeous hunk'a gay man front and center? Why, that's a slice of heaven right there. Thank you, Darren Star, you do know your audience. [Blake, marry me - I'm up for some GCB'n!]

 

Granted, the show isn't for everyone - some of it's one-off jokes dance on the line between corny and cut-up - but, what is? [Tho' I dare you not to laugh at "Basketeria; that's Mexican for Basket Factory" when said by a cluelessly cute white guy - or "At least my husband knows how to keep both hands on the wheel during orgasm".]

 

Not all tv is for everyone. That's why we have different channels and different shows to watch on them.

 

"I don't really remember the exact verse, but the Bible is just full of that
kind of whoop-ass." -Cricket Caruth-Riley

 

GCB quickly grew a Twitter following - hashtags and tweeting accounts sprouted up with nomers like "Gigi's Hair" and its stars (Cheno, Leslie Bibb, Potts) corresponded with fans there and on facebook ... in short, the show had achieved Sensation Status.

 

Of course, what Sensational thing doesn't have its detractors? Time and again, small-minded bigots and Holier-Than-Thous [translation: stick-up-their-butts] tried to say the show maligned Christians and Conservatives. True, the show (and by extension the novel Good Christian Bitches by Kim Gatlin) called out the hypocrites who tote the Bible in one hand and vodka with prostitutes in the other.

 

 

Television has always done an interesting job of holding up the mirror to society - flaws and all; good and ill. That is part of its job ... that? And entertainment. And this gay heart was sure entertained by the gals of GCB.

 

With ABC announcing that the show would not be picked up for a 2nd season [assclaps] the collective gay gasp could be heard across the country. Luckily for us, some strong-willed and very enthusiastic folks won't take this lying down. [Or is that layin' down? Despite being from Virginia - pronounced Vah-gin-yah - my Southern to English vocabulary is decidedly lacking.] 

 

Even if ABC doesn't help another network pick up the pieces - *cough* Lifetime, you REAAALLy should be looking into this *cough* - the act of letting our voices be heard will hopefully help balance this silencing of laughter.

 

Follow GCB on Twitter

Save GCB on Facebook

Save GCB on Youtube

Save GCB official site

 

 

"You are so judgemental. If memory serves, even Jesus hung out with
thieves and whores." -Amanda Vaughn
"Not in my neighborhood he didn't." -Carlene Cockburn

THE MEAN GURL CLICK

 
"Stop trying to get me to FollowFriday you, Gretchen; it's not going to happen."

Benjamin Kissell

 

What makes a gay heart weep 5th sense levels of Amanda Seyfried tears [how LAME it is to make Mean Girls jokes?] or Heather Duke-esque crocodile tears [how OLD a Heathers joke makes me?] is realizing that social media is totally High School: Part Deaux.

 

Think about it.

 

I mean it, really.

 

Think about it.

 

When Myspace was trendy [you know, cro magnon days] if you weren't in someone's Top 8, 12 or 64 [they offered so many options to snub] you may as well not even have a page. Of course, the more socially mature folks wouldn't bat an eyelash at this. I? Am so not mature. 

 

I'm a bit neurotic.

 

Example: While standing in line for her 2008 Such a Pretty Fat Tour I caused Jen Lancaster to snort in laughter because the 2 perky girls ahead of me squealed when they realized I was "that BEN" in her Top 8.

 

I wish I'd had the adult sensibility to just let it pass unremarked.

 

I was not.

 

Jen of course signed the book "For Ben, who is totally in my top 8" (with grins plastered on both our faces). 

 

I was in the Cool Kids Club. I was a Heather. I was totally top 8 material.

 

Sweet.

 

Then myspace became the next-big-thing-to-be-passe. [Damn]

 

Enter the era of Facebook supremacy [member since 2004 when it was just for college kids. YO.] and all of the ridiculous keys and styles "inspired" by Myspace over the last 5 years. It's a tad ... well, ridiculous.

 

From their popularity games [I have not/am not/nor will not be interested in Farmvile. Okay? Thanks] to the feeding-into-neuroses "Like" button, "Connections" and "Facebook Recommends" links, Facebook is one giant high school. Complete with populars, geeks and bullies.

 

And bless your heart if you aren't in the right clicque - or the right "click".

 

Top this off with Tumblr [aside from finding some great dirty photos, what's the point?], Google+ [plus what? I wish I could knock it, but I don't know squat about it] and - my major addiction - Twitter, you have a recipe for a truly Mean Gurls Click.

 

"What's your damage Heather?"
"Well, I made a Lindsay Lohan joke last night and lost 400 Twitter-followers."
"Was it in poor taste?" "Uhm, it's Lindsay Lohan."
"Good point."

 

I hate to say it, but, the number of followers (and ratio of followers to following) seems to carry a lot of weight. Again, wish I could say that I have the self-awareness and maturity to declare that this doesn't bother me. I really do.

 

But, apparently - say it with me - I don't.

 

The old I-wasn't-popular-until-Junior-Year-and-was-picked-on-a-LOT-as-a-kid insecurities reared their head recently and I asked my followers to promote me in that atrocious of atrocities: Follow Friday.

 

Tho' the times I've been a Follow Friday recommendation without hounding someone into it? Well, I may've done a victory dance [complete with Madonna-backing-vocals]. Maybe. 

 

Twitter is like that verbal diarrhea you get in school; when every thought comes pouring out of your mouth because the cool kids are paying attention to you. You extoll the virtues of the VERY boring meal you just ate [yawn] or you rant about the merest minutiae of your daily life [guilty].

 

My friend (the beautiful and talented novelist and screenwriter) Caprice Crane pointed out, in a recent conversation we had, that she really only uses Twitter to post observational humor or to make jokes about whatever pop culture headline is ripe for the picking.

 

Translation: she doesn't stoop to the Mean Gurl Click mentality. Caprice has class.

  

Alas, I don't have her self-control or confidence [or looks, wit, breding or ... well, the list can go on for days]. Self-censoring has never been my forte. More than once my best friend has said I need an editor for daily conversations.

 

[Apparently TMI isn't always a great place to take conversations in public. Who knew?] 

 

In fact, more than a few of my tweets have been just-shy of assclap-level Mean Gurl.

 

 

[Think more Winona Ryder in Heathers, less Shannen Doherty]

 

Like high school clicques, it's a game you play (or don't).

 

Play it on your own terms. Be aware that our lives are fodder for pages in a digital Burn Book the Heathers compile.

 

Watch out you don't become one.

 

"Remember that it's totally okay not to be in the popular click online.
And it's okay when your BFF has your ex in his Google+ 'hook-up' circle
... but, FETCH. WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN."

Douchebag Memorabilia Sellers

Too bad she didn't stab him the eye with her pen! 

 

 

Ignorant Tourists

  Obviously an old pic, but weepy that people still act this way toward cultures they don't understand.

AN OUTBREAK OF CLOSED MINDS

 

"be careful; better not expose yourself"

Benjamin Kissell

What makes this Gay Heart stagger, then Weep tears of sheer frustrated exasperation at the madding crowd? Why, it’s another example of biased, closed-minded individuals attempting to use the system of open equality to deny said equality to others.

 

Recently, kick-ass author (always fun Twitter tweeter) and awesome vocalist on rights-abused Kelly Barnhill (The Mostly True Stories of Jack, Iron Hearted Violet) posted about a “proposition” brought before the school board at Anoka Hennepin, Minnesota. Yeah, proposition - it's a list of demands.

 

Initially reported by the Twin Cities Daily Planet newspaper [here], I couldn’t help but share Kelly’s outrage at this abuse of the openness schools have finally come to. In an era of increased awareness of the effects of bullying, this is just plain sad.

 

Let me preface my argument here: Obviously, I am gay.

 

I am not a Christian – I was raised Presbyterian, but, in my early 20s I came to Judaism. I comport myself as a member of the “Reform” branch of Judaism [my best friend and I jokingly call me Jew-ish]. I believe in faith; I feel everyone ought to have that inalienable right to their beliefs (from Orthodox Christianity to Islam, from Buddhist to Wiccan, from Deist to Atheist [and from Justin to Kelly]). It is not my place to judge the veracity of others’ beliefs the way I judge their outfits and hairstyles.

 

That being said, I think this group, the “Parents Action League”, is a bunch of self-righteous, unmitigated assclaps [and you can quote me on that].

 

I could tackle this article two ways: 1) I could pick one or two key points and expound upon them or 2) I could go all MST3K [Mystery Science Theater 3000 for non-geeks] on their asses … hrmmm, decisions decisions.

 

[Like anyone thought I’d miss a chance to riff on bigots?]

 

What follows is an excerpt of their proposals/demands brought forth (like some latter-day 10 Commandments of bigotry). My color-commentary and snarky commentary follow in italics.

 

1. A new division within the student support services and a special section on the District 11 website devoted to student of fiath, moral conviction, ex-homosexuals and ex-transgenders.

Okay, I had to look up "ex-transgenders" here. I mean, how does one become an "ex-transgeder"? Does this involve layering the former gender on top of the transformed gender? Like a triple-sundae? Boy to girl to slightly girly-bits boy? It sounds really confusing and expensive.

Of course, it's really just another evangelical shite-line that they try to sell to confused and pained transgendered folk of faith: you can pray the pain/confusion/sexual identity away. Right.

 

2. A listening tour by Superintendent Denny Carlson and district prevention coordinator Barry Scanlon with students of faith, moral conviction, ex-homosexuals, and ex-transgenders.

Again with the exes - I don't know about you, but I prefer my exes to be kept either in isolation or at least as far away from me as the restraining orders allow.

Yes, listening is good. And letting the students voice concerns is a GREAT thing - open and honest are good keywords here. But, again, the whole open and honest possibility when someone is cloaking their bigotry behind religion? Not really the right tack.

Also? Anyone else notice the wording there - "moral conviction"? So, by being GLBT one cannot have morals or honor? Thanks for the closed mind there, buddies.

 

3. That District 11 administrators and staff work closely with pro-family and ex-homosexual and ex-transgender organizations to provide ongoing training to school counselors, school nurses, social workers, school psychologists, prevention specialists, student learning advocates and a number of secondary principals and principals.

Wow, that sounds very endearing. Let's all work in harmony. Happiness; unicorns; fluffy bunnies; lollipops and rainbows. Oh, wait. Rainbows are gay. And positive. We CANNOT have that. Let's knock the sense outta that right here, right now.

Also? As if the school system isn't already taxed to within an inch of its life with the endless programs upon our teachers and such. The spare time to do this comes from where? It's not like we want the students to go to school to learn applicable lessons at any point, right? #TOTALassclapFAIL

 

4. Provide professional development opportunities in which philosophical, pedogogical, and political assumptions of GLBT advocacy are critically examined.

ASSUMPTIONS OF GLBT ADVOCACY ARE CRITICALLY EXAMINED?!?! Say WHAA-AAT?! Are you fucking kidding me? The question of legal rights within our own nation are questioned enough as-is, you're gonna teach the next generation to go even further?

Listen you insane fuckwits [pardon my French] I think it's time you and my taser met ... you know, for a philosophical and pedogogical discussion of my rights as an American citizen.

 

5. Provide webinars, seminars for all staff on over-coming sexual disorders.

And, lest we assume they mean actual disorders here - they mean only GLBT related sexuality as their sexual disorders.

When a straight man rapes a 12 yr old little girl, well, that's just kosher, eh?

 

6. Provide training on bullying and suicide that protects all students.

Okay, for the first time I can't quite say something mean here. Oh, wait - they cited the "It Gets Better" videos as "vulgar". Yepp, let's REALLY chat about better training on bullying and suicide that protects all students ... (in fine print: well, the students "we" approve of).

Or do they mean to provide training on how to BETTER bully and increase suicide? If so, it sounds like they're right on track there to me.

 

7. Provide the history of gay-related immune deficiencies and acquired immune deficiencies and the medical consequences of homosexual acts.

SAY WHAT? Gay-related immune deficienc-say whaaaaaaaaat?! Okay, so, the entire HIV/AIDS epidemic which affects equally homosexual and heterosexual persons is all a lie?

Wow.

Thank you. I'll make sure to tell my friend Susan - a heterosexual woman, aged 34, causcasian, that she's not really carrying a time-bomb in her bloodstream. I mean, it's only a gay-person's disease, right?

Nope.

Y'know, for crying in the kitchen sink, I thought we got past this ridiculous mindset when Nancy Reagan left office.

 

8. That all health classes that address homosexuality be required to provide up-to-date information from the CDC on sexually transmitted diseases and HIV among the groups the CDC designates as men who have sex with men.

Yes, because heterosexual sex NEVER leads to STDs; gross infections and such.

Or teen pregnancy.

Or more closed-minded-bigots.

Say it with me, everyone: Assclaps.

 

9. Provide the following pro-family, ex-homosexual, ex-transgender information and websites to all counselors, school psychologistsclassroom teachers [the list was submitted to the board and not spoken at the meeting]

I'll concede - equal rights applies to all. The information should be available ... no matter how pinheaded and idiotic it is.

 

10. Provide pro-family, ex-homosexual and ex-transgender videos to secondary media centers.

Sure, provide them. Just because you provide them doesn't mean anyone needs to watch them.

 

...................................................

 

Worst part? I had hoped that this was just one of those standard Right-Wing Conservative Nutjob moments - unfortunately, one of the religous folk presenting this shite was a Rabbi. Let's all gang-up on the gays.

Yes, totes. 

After all, aside from Juden, no one else were heavy targets for Hitler's cleansing. Well, except for Gyspies [I have Romani blood] and homosexuals [I don't practice, I am expert]. Shouldn't minorities targeted by bigoted religious zealots stick together?

 

 Let's get together in harmony, NoH8, and smack a bigot.

(with our words)

DISRESPECTING HER MADGESTY

"Just like a prayer, no choice - your voice can take me there."

 

 

By Benjamin Kissell

What makes a Gay Heart Weep like a virgin denied satisfaction on his wedding night? Why, it’s someone slamming one of his (or her) Gaycons [gay icons for the gay vernacularly challenged]. Whether you love Cher, Ellen, Karen Walker, RuPaul or Liberace your gaycon is sacred; sacrosanct. Pity those who insult them. Fear the wrath of a worshipper scorned.

When it comes to my own gaycons I’ve a few. I love Cher [I’ve been known to “Swear to Cher” and my best friend’s ringtone for me is “Love is the Groove”] and Karen Walker has some of the best bitchy one-liners on tv, but my all-time top gaycon is … Madonna. The Queen of Pop herself.

From controversies to brilliant music videos and constantly re-inventing herself to stay ahead of the curve she’s done it all. Madonna is a force to be reckoned with (abysmal fake British-accent and all).

True blue fans of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer will flock to her side, I’m sure, when I mention the ridiculous and rather asinine [that’s a polite way of saying ‘flipping stupid’] “feud” Sir Elton John and his husband have (re)launched on the Queen of Pop.

This little bitch fest – c’mon, that’s all it really is, a high school cat-fight in the music industry – has been going on for years. Fans of the two record-setting pop stars surely know about the catty asides both have thrown towards each other.

Madonna, no stranger to fights with various pop/rock stars (her awkward moments with Courtney Love at the '95 VMAs or her infamous back-and-forths with Mariah Carey), is taking [surprisingly] the high road about it all (so far).

January 2011 saw a whirlwind global media tour Madonna embarked on for her film – including stops on 20/20, Nightline and the hilarious Graham Norton Show [gays, if you aren’t already watching our favourite BBC bad boy get started]. All of which will culminate in her SuperBowl Halftime show (with Nicki Minaj and MIA) and the subsequent release of her new studio album, tentatively titled MDNA.

(Norton hit the states – hard – in the award-winning and popular flick Not Another Gay Movie.)

Her Madgesty’s [c'mon, a play on Madonna’s nickname Madge, I couldn't resist] Jan 11^th appearance on his show contained a (rather brilliant) lampoon from the comedian-host regarding Sir Elton.

Known for his Camilla/horse jokes, Norton lively quipped about Madonna’s '90 VMA Vogue performance attire – couture Marie Antoinette costume – that “[Madonna] dressed like a 300 year old queen” and showed a glitzy-glitter shot of Sir Elton in one of his over-the-top costumes. Was it wrong? A little. But was it funny? You bet your gay-ass it was.

Personally? My own confessions (on a dance floor)? I’m betting it didn’t sit well with him.

VS

(The costumes in-reference PS - do you know how many different dresses "Elton John Glittery white dress" brings up on google-image? Answer: an assload, FYI. Also? I'm not even sure this is the same Elton dress, but, it's close enough for me.)

 

 

Tensions between the two pop royalties [he is SIR Elton after all] already strained, all that was required was a focus. Enter the 2012 Golden Globes. That night competition was tight, outfits tighter and attitudes were fierce. Claws? Were out.

Walking the red carpet, Sir Elton and his husband – David Furnish – answered questions looking rather gallant and handsome [what, I can still respect a good suit] and soon approached classic B-list celebrity host, Carson Daly. When asked to comment on the competition for “Best Original Song” they both had polite and almost-glowing remarks for Mary J. Blige, Glenn Close etc. But, when Carson asked about Madonna? Well, as Sir Elton once said … “the bitch is back”.

“She doesn’t have a fucking chance” he quipped into the microphone.

Cut to Carson sharing this with Madonna a few minutes later – like the high school gossip queen he is [Heathers anyone?]. Who took it in stride, poise and a quirked eyebrow.

When Adam Levine announced the win – Madonna – if you were lucky, you caught Sir Elton’s look onscreen. A cross between “Really?” and “That bitch”; someone obviously pissed in his wheaties.

Taking to facebook – because, isn’t that what all mature and responsible movie producers do? – Furnish lambasted Madonna for her win; calling it a popularity contest.

Yes, because Elton John is never consistently nominated for Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Peoples Choice, Grammys, or Tonys. Yepp, nothing but a popularity contest, boys.

Admittedly, I’m not the biggest fan of either Sir Elton or his husband – great marriage role models though they be – as I haven’t liked a song by him since Crocodile Rock and am primarily unimpressed with their movie collaborations. [Plus? That song was a total snooze-fest Lion King-wannabe-retread song. Sir Elton, you can do better. Sorta.]

Of course, Furnish didn’t leave it at that, he attacked Madonna’s commentary on Lady Gaga [who I’ll admit to not being a real fan of – you know, one of five gays in our country]. His tirade centered on a single well-chosen word Madonna used in describing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” track – “reductive” – during her Nightline interview. (Fans of both pop icons are no stranger to the song’s controversy and color commentary concerning its similarity to Madonna’s hit “Express Yourself”.)

Note, Madonna said the song was, not Gaga herself. In fact, during the same interview, Madonna praised Gaga’s musical accomplishments and said she reminded the Queen of herself at that age. Get your facts straight, Furnish.

 

 .............................

 

If you want to know the truth – [or at least this gay boy’s point of view] – I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that Madonna and Sir Elton collaborated on this. Feuds drive sales. Controversy drives sales. And who is better at sparking and quelling controversy than Madonna? Remember a little something called Erotica? Her Sex book? What was her response - Human Nature. And last year's kick-off, nicknamed Hydrangea-gate? Her response? [If not, go to youtube.com, look up 'Madonna Love Letter Hydrangea' and enjoy. You're welcome.]

“I’m not your bitch; don’t hang your shit on me.”

"Fuck you, Mother Fuckers."

Stupid People Speaking In Public

 

 

 

CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT FAIL

What makes a Gay Heart Weep tears of glitter-streaked mascara? Why walking into his local Walgreens (I mean drug store) and finding these *cough* lovely *cough* ornaments gracing the shelves.

The Jersey Shore serialized into cheap plastic 2 for $10 ornaments just screams Merry Christmas, doesn't it? C'mon, isn't this really what every household needs?

 

Dial "G" for Goombas.

The perfect Christmas ornament: Glitter Herpes.