Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

CRINGE AND BARE IT [ALL]

 

Body By Jake ... Ass By Betty Crocker ... Body Image Issues by Our Culture.

 

Benjamin Kissell

 

What makes a gay heart weep like Rick Santorum in a Chocolate Factory [hell, even a Cheesecake Factory, ‘cos you know that closet-queen has some food issues]? Why, it’s realizing that you're sprouting chins like a teenager grows zits.

 

A true cringe-worthy moment.

 

Definitely diet time. And I swear, this has nothing [read: everything] to do with my impending 29th birthday this July and my first trip to the beach since 1996.

 

I promise.

 

Well, I soft-guarantee?

 

The other day I had to buy my first pair of "fat jeans" [size 33] since I successfully took off the weight in 2007. When I couldn't get the size 32s past my thighs [which canNOT stay seperated these days, fyi] I knew it was time.

 

The icing on the cake? Getting a LOVELY post-card from Just For Men with a FREE OFFER to help me get the grey away ... this may have sent me running.

 

Well, jogging.

 

Okay, fast walking.

 

For the first time in almost 2 years, I turned back to exercise. To say that it was a cake walk would be a misnomer [mmmm, cake - can I make it double-fudge with chocolate icing?] but, I strapped on my mp3 player and blasted Madonna's new album, MDNA, and took myself out into the night. 

 

.........................................

 

Seriously, I had quite forgotten how difficult it was to stick to a comprehensive and effective regimen of diet and exercise. The exercise part's not that hard, but the diet? Oh diets, how I want to quit thee.

It's easy to tell yourself “Benjamin, today you are going to eat three sensible medium meals and 2 small snacks; when you get up and go to bed you are going to do your exercises.”, but actually doing that?Bugger.

 

1. Getting out of bed and setting foot outside of my nice warm blankets [one of which is faux beaver fur] is NOT pleasant nor something that I particularly relish. And this? This makes it difficult to do my morning exercises

 

2. Doing morning exercises (usually stretches and mild cardio in my room to Madonna or Cher [remember this is Stuff That Makes a GAY Heart Weep]) is tough when I am curled up underneath the covers wondering how quickly I can throw on house shoes and run into the kitchen for some hot coffee and back into bed where I can nurse it while watching the Today Show [What can I say, that 4th hour? When I get to catch it ... Kathie Lee does love her bottles of 'coffee'] and Lifetime's reruns of The New Adventures of Old Christine.

 

“Y’know, that’s a very good look on you: it’s ‘come hither, 
I’m wearing something under-sized and machine washable in-case I get so plastered I vomit on myself’.”
"Thanks, I got it out of your closet."

 

 

3. The whole eating right thing: eating 3 smaller meals a day and 2 small/sane portion snacks? Let’s just say, that I’m not known for my tendency to eat and nibble throughout the day.

 

I have a tendency to skip [unless chugging a large cup or three of dark, plain black coffee counts as eating] breakfast and then head into work where I will grab a lunch of a Subway “lite” for good measure.  By now, the lovely Arabic girl who works there knows my order by rote; Tuna on flatbread with spinach, green peppers and cucumbers.

 

By the time work is over, and I get home … cooking a lite dinner isn’t exactly what springs to mind, and I just buy some chicken nuggets at McD's.

 

#DietFAIL

 

Okay, I admit it! There is a reason it's called convenience food. Me not standing over a stove making it makes it automatically fantastic to me.

 

4. After letting dinner digest by sitting on my arse working on the computer [answering e-mails, talking on facebook, tweeting and writing], I'm pretty beat. By the time that I'm ready to call it quits, I just wanna crawl back into bed – not get over onto the mat I keep on the floor in the middle of my room for exercising.  But, unless I lose out to my laziness, I drag myself over, put some Madonna on and do my evening toning exercises.

 

Then, drag myself back under my covers and drift off to sleep … only to be awakened by the alarm way too damn early in the morning *le sigh*.

BU-UT, all that whining aside … I do seriously intend on continuing to try to eat healthier, trim down my waistline and lose just a FEW pounds.

 

Because if I lose just a few and tone up, then I will be healthier and have a happier body and body image – though, time, affirmation and self-esteem will be what change the image I really see in the mirror.

 

Of course, if I slim down my waistline AND keep the booty? Well, everybody wins!

 

PASS OVER THE WINE AND GUILT, I'M HUNGRY

 "barukh ata adonai eloheinu melekh ha’olam bore pri hagafen"  Which means Mommy has to let out Daddy's pants after all this Brisket.

 

 

Benjamin Kissell

 

What makes a gay heart weep kosher tears quite like a hilariously bad Seder story?  Well, if you're a Gentile, I guess not much of anything [whoops] but, let's not go there.

 

I'm sure we can all laugh together at the sheer absurdity of my first Seder in college. At the time, I was a student, worked as a caterer and had a budding social life [versus my treasured nights at home with my cats these days].

 

.....

 

Outfitted in low-rise jeans, punk boots, mascara, “Dropkick Murphys” tee and a seriously fierce feaux-hawk I sauntered into the second-floor of our catering offices looking for my sunglasses (left-behind the day before after another mother-of-the-bride-batshit-crazy wedding downtown).

 

The plan was to get together with friends and hit the gay club downtown. On Thursdays it was 80s Retro Night there, hence the pseudo-punk and I was ready to get my drink on and dance to “Like a Prayer” [obligatory song for 80s Retro Night].

 

I didn’t even top the stairs before I heard an overly-enthusiastic … “BENJI!”

Now, when you hear an all-too cheerful exultation of your name [even an annoying nickname] you KNOW something fishy is up.

It was my boss, Pescha, approaching me …

 

“Bubbula, you’re free right now, aren’t you?”

“Uhm … I mean, yes, I'm not running anywhere at the moment; but I really only stopped in to pick up my sunglasses … I, uh, have plans tonight.”

[No, it is NOT apparent that I have an issue saying no to authority figures, is it?]

 

“But, you don’t have plans now?”

“No, not at this exact moment – why?”

 

“Good, because I need help downstairs; the Jewish Student Organization is coming by soon for the Passover Seder. We’re hosting it for the students who can't get home.”

“But-t, I – uh … uh, well – I guess if I don’t stay later than 7?”

Promising that the event would run no later than 6:30 that worked, it left me enough time to get all re-dolled up and to grab my friend Hana and run.

 

Changing into a cobalt dress shirt and black tie, eschewing the black slacks in favor of my jeans (two reasons:

1. none of the black slacks really fit me well, either too-small girls’ pants or the guys’ which were too big

2. the jeans were so tight I'd all-but crisco’d myself to get into them I didn't wanna think of the ordeal to get myself in and out of them in my little cubbyhole of an office).

 

 

And this was the era BEFORE skinny jeans came back ... I was totally ahead of the curve.

 

 

I grabbed a black vest just-in-case.

The Heads of the Jewish Student Organization, a young semi-cute boy and a very attractive young lady – very shiksa in her blonde hair and pale dress –  arrived and helped us lay out the Seder plates and such.

 

By the time sunset neared, the guests had arrived and gathered around 5 properly attired tables.

 

I walked the kosher wine and grape-juice to the various settings and matzo crackers as appetizers and caught at least 3 of the cute boys’ eyes darting both to crotch and ass level [hmm, Jewish AND gay?] as well as catching this REALLY sweet young guy’s eye as I proffered him the water, my crotch apparently just-below shoulder level – he blushed almost as crimson as the wine in front of him.

 

I should’ve really wondered why I was getting this attention, but I didn’t.

 

By the time I had meandered around each table, making sure all of our guests were comfortable and good, and making it back into the ante-room, I was well-aware of more than a few girls and guys outright staring at me.

 

Weird.

 

As soon as the door behind me had closed Pescha was at my side, an embarrassed grin on her suntanned Bubbe face. Hana was doubled over in a giggle-fit.

 

“Benjamin, you CANNOT go back out there like that … you are giving those poor girls [and gay boys] whiplash!”

 

It seems, the tight jeans I'd chosen to attract attention for dancing were doing their job; causing these poor Seder-goers to get whiplash from trying to stare at both my crotch and ass – which were both pronounced in them.

 

My bad. [Or a great date-catching plan - you decide.]

 

Not being able to wear a pair of the black slacks upstairs, I opted the simple-fix; grabbing a black apron and making sure it covered up my crotch and at least minimized my booty’s appearance.

 

After that? The Seder went by quietly and in proper reverence [my bulge/booty causing no more stir … but, at least, I’d like to think that my overt-sexuality had made for some good stories to be told around the next Seder table].

 

Hana and I made our excuses and re-primped and headed out. Of course, after walking the 10 blocks to get to the club from campus, we found that it was one of the arbitrary nights when the bouncer was checking IDs and I was the only 21 yr old in our group. 

 

So, we did what anyone thwarted would do: we ditched the dance-plans and did TGI Friday’s instead. Lame? A little. Fun? Definitely. A very interesting first Passover for me.

 

Moishe led the Jews on Exodus and I? Led my friends to dinner. Not quite the same, but, there you are.

 

Cat Sweat Shirts

 

 

 

Crossbred Ugg, Croc, and Feet

Mostly likely some kind of weepy spoof. If not, it needs to be shot on sight.

 

Dress Made Out of 3000 Cow Nipples

Cow nipples? Seriously? WTF???? Whyyyyyyyy?

This weepy monstrosity is from UK designer Rachel Freire. As one would expect, animal rights groups got their own nipples into a twit when the dressed was shown in September and Frieire was quick to defend her ridiculous choice to shock and use cow nipples:

"I create fashion using material that would otherwise end up on the scrap heap. What I am doing is recycling. The people criticising are clearly clueless about the amount of leather wasted on a daily basis."

Sorry hon, it's still creepy as hell.

 

AIRPORT FASHION FAILURES

 

By Benjamin Kissell

AKA: Fashion Failures at the Boarding Gates

What makes this Gay Heart Weep tears of Burberry tinted horror at the Boarding Gates? Why, looking up and seeing scads of shabbily, shoddily, scantily -clad passengers hoofing it past me.

Okay, I'm not the paragon of fashion perfection and I'm far from garbed in couture [Gap jeans, white-checked dress shirt from Old Navy, Mossimo blazer and my recently coloured hair], but even I respect the Old School Flying etiquette: Dress for appeal and comfort!

Think Bogart and Bacall, not Spears and Federline.

 

Arriving at Dulles Intl Airport (at 5:20 - 3 hrs before our flight) we exited the shuttle bus to a complete visual atrocity.

Never had my eyes been accosted with so many tired, greasy and gross combinations of sweats and track-pants. By the time I arrived at my Boarding Gate, 'twas all I could do not to physically cringe each time I saw a Hello Kitty XS tee on a 40something, paunchy Japanese man.

I all-but break out the giant sunglasses to hide behind.

Now, don't get me wrong; there are numerous fine examples of fabulous flying frocks all around me - the lovely woman in pressed white slacks with vintage paisley-patterned blouse.

Or the young man in designer jeans, RalphLauren polo and matching leather jacket and shoes.

And, ooh, the lovely gay couple who seem to be striving for 'Modern Family pilot' (complete with bearded redhead and Korean baby), they're rather adorable.

Yumm! As I type, a lovely 40something woman with blown-out blonde hair strolls by in a perfect combination of 50s hat, midi-trench, slim-fit slacks and heels. She? Got the memo!

Hrmm, the 50something balding Borgnine-type in a black sweater with rainbow fishscales? [The header photo of the article] Good attempt; you get a C for effort. Of course when you pair that with a pair of brown boots (the only colour NOT in said sweater) I must downgrade to a C-.

[Sidenote: for the woman who plopped down with a just-bought copy of Nicholas Sparks' The Choice, please pick up a copy of Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep for its entry on that weepiest of authors.]

But you! Mister Tatty Track Pants, Grody Navy Flip-flops [because I wanna see your nasty green toenails? I think not] and Stained Black 1998 Red Hot Chili Peppers Tee and Oil-Slick-Survivor Cap? You? Oh 'sir' you merit my super-special GayHeartsWeep Fashion Card.

I present this award to you in deference to the extreme care and choosing you obviously went through in the 2 minutes you got dressed in the dark.

I thank you for this sight as it saves me the trouble of letting my stressed stomach roil on its own.

[Writer's Note: this blog was actually written while sitting at the Boarding Gate in Dulles, on 03/26/2011]

GUILT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT

 By Benjamin Kissell

Giving guilt as a Christmas gift is a surefire way to make a gay heart weep, then slap you (in that order) - well, that is unless it is said gay heart gifting the guilt.

sidenote: gilt (foil-wrapped chocolate coins) is a damn fine Hanukkah gift; that is all.

When Christmas shopping for the gay heart(s) in your family, please keep a few key ideas at the forefront of your to-get list:

1. Shiny is good, when it comes to jewelry and electronics, but BAD when it comes to clothing [read: whole entries devoted to Ugly Christmas Sweaters ... or see below, but, brace your eyes.]

 

2. Expensive is good (heck, sometimes it's great), but, looking expensive while being affordable is better [therefore, noone is in need of wrapping said electronics in a fine tissue paper of guilt, covered in a guilt-and-green wrapping paper tied with a golden guilt ribbon].

3. Remember, crafty is always an option - who doesn't love that sweet, heartfelt gift/card that came from their 6 year old neice? [You know, the one you slipped into your desk drawer meaning to keep in a safe spot and conveniently 'forgot' about?] But, crafty is a double-edged sword ... there is a fine line between crafty and folks-y and crappy. Just because you spent 20-bucks on a felt and beaded Christmas card to make it look homemade and nice doesn't mean it does. [Looking at you, Michaels Craftstore.]

 

4. It truly is the thought that counts, sending a lovely Christmas card to your gay heart with a passive-aggressive message in it - *cough* looking at you, Great-Aunt Mildred *cough* - is a surefire Christmas Guilt Gift faux-pas. After all, the last thing a gay heart needs when opening his/her tiny-ass apartment mailbox is a Christmas card dripping with lines like "Wishing you a Happy Christmas, may the season bring all the love of Christ into your heart" and in tiny cramped hand-writing, "so that next year, you will be on the straight and narrow." [Thanks, remember, I'm a Hebrew, Mildred? Christian guilt? Not working here. I kiss boys and eat latkes.]

Otherwise, when a hideous and un-thought out Christmas gift is given with guilt to a gay heart, painful grimaces and gay heart tantrums occur and unflattering facebook photos are taken/posted.

See?

Hideous Boxer Shorts

 
I have no words. Only weeping. And yes that is a banana sticking out of the fake jean pocket.

I don't know what's weepier, the bad joke or the silk screened Viagra pills. (Boxers say Is it time for your medication or mine? and the other pill is a Tylenol)

 

 

Inflatable Bike Helmet: No More Helmet Hair!

Swedish inventors Anna Haupt and Terese Alstin have created a bike helmet that will appeal to the fashionably conscious. It’s called the Hovding and it has become one of my favorite names!  For all of us who would love to ride our bicycles to work but hate the “helmet hair” this new invention will make it possible enjoy the freedom of peddling around town without the hard foam in plastic bike helmets ruining our ‘dos.

Finally someone has invented a helmet that makes Style meet Safety!

I love the fierce “runway look” of these models sportin’ their bike helmets!

The price for these inflatable helmets are a bit…inflated. (yes, pun intended)

They will range between $450-$550, but this helmet may last just as long as your old bike helmet, After all, once you bump your head on any type of bike helmet, it’s recommended by manufacturers to replace them, so maybe the price isn’t that high. Okay maybe it is, but you have to admit that they are pretty cool alternative. This helmet may be a sleek and chic alternative for those who want to ride their bikes to work or to important meetings.  Although unless you’re incredibly clumsy and fall off your bicycle often, then perhaps and old fashioned bicycle helmet is perfect for you; that way you can replace them without having to take a loan out every time.

  As the video shows, the possibilities for this technology are endless.(I would love to see the Inflatable Butt Pad for when I fall on my ass snowboarding)

  No more "Helmet Hair" definitely makes Lesbian and Gay hearts weep for Joy…

-M-

 

Adult Pajama Jumpsuits

 
What in sleepwhere hell???!!! Please tell me this is not a lounge wear craze for winter. Adult pajama jumpers? Did we not learn anything from little Ralphie's bunny suit misery in Christmas Story?  

This straight dude was at Target trying on adult jumpers because he was on his way to a PJ Sleepover Party (WTF??! Are we 5?) and he let my friend take his pic while his girlfriend stood by with a weepy embarrassed look. My gay heart seconds her motion (even though there are skulls on it, which I approve of =D)

 

Shoe Violation

 
She's really an "everything" violation, but the most obvious weepiness comes from the henious fugly Crocs she's clomping around in. Crocs also happen to be an entry in the book version of STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP.