Stuff That Makes A Gay Heart Weep

THE MEAN GURL CLICK

 
"Stop trying to get me to FollowFriday you, Gretchen; it's not going to happen."

Benjamin Kissell

 

What makes a gay heart weep 5th sense levels of Amanda Seyfried tears [how LAME it is to make Mean Girls jokes?] or Heather Duke-esque crocodile tears [how OLD a Heathers joke makes me?] is realizing that social media is totally High School: Part Deaux.

 

Think about it.

 

I mean it, really.

 

Think about it.

 

When Myspace was trendy [you know, cro magnon days] if you weren't in someone's Top 8, 12 or 64 [they offered so many options to snub] you may as well not even have a page. Of course, the more socially mature folks wouldn't bat an eyelash at this. I? Am so not mature. 

 

I'm a bit neurotic.

 

Example: While standing in line for her 2008 Such a Pretty Fat Tour I caused Jen Lancaster to snort in laughter because the 2 perky girls ahead of me squealed when they realized I was "that BEN" in her Top 8.

 

I wish I'd had the adult sensibility to just let it pass unremarked.

 

I was not.

 

Jen of course signed the book "For Ben, who is totally in my top 8" (with grins plastered on both our faces). 

 

I was in the Cool Kids Club. I was a Heather. I was totally top 8 material.

 

Sweet.

 

Then myspace became the next-big-thing-to-be-passe. [Damn]

 

Enter the era of Facebook supremacy [member since 2004 when it was just for college kids. YO.] and all of the ridiculous keys and styles "inspired" by Myspace over the last 5 years. It's a tad ... well, ridiculous.

 

From their popularity games [I have not/am not/nor will not be interested in Farmvile. Okay? Thanks] to the feeding-into-neuroses "Like" button, "Connections" and "Facebook Recommends" links, Facebook is one giant high school. Complete with populars, geeks and bullies.

 

And bless your heart if you aren't in the right clicque - or the right "click".

 

Top this off with Tumblr [aside from finding some great dirty photos, what's the point?], Google+ [plus what? I wish I could knock it, but I don't know squat about it] and - my major addiction - Twitter, you have a recipe for a truly Mean Gurls Click.

 

"What's your damage Heather?"
"Well, I made a Lindsay Lohan joke last night and lost 400 Twitter-followers."
"Was it in poor taste?" "Uhm, it's Lindsay Lohan."
"Good point."

 

I hate to say it, but, the number of followers (and ratio of followers to following) seems to carry a lot of weight. Again, wish I could say that I have the self-awareness and maturity to declare that this doesn't bother me. I really do.

 

But, apparently - say it with me - I don't.

 

The old I-wasn't-popular-until-Junior-Year-and-was-picked-on-a-LOT-as-a-kid insecurities reared their head recently and I asked my followers to promote me in that atrocious of atrocities: Follow Friday.

 

Tho' the times I've been a Follow Friday recommendation without hounding someone into it? Well, I may've done a victory dance [complete with Madonna-backing-vocals]. Maybe. 

 

Twitter is like that verbal diarrhea you get in school; when every thought comes pouring out of your mouth because the cool kids are paying attention to you. You extoll the virtues of the VERY boring meal you just ate [yawn] or you rant about the merest minutiae of your daily life [guilty].

 

My friend (the beautiful and talented novelist and screenwriter) Caprice Crane pointed out, in a recent conversation we had, that she really only uses Twitter to post observational humor or to make jokes about whatever pop culture headline is ripe for the picking.

 

Translation: she doesn't stoop to the Mean Gurl Click mentality. Caprice has class.

  

Alas, I don't have her self-control or confidence [or looks, wit, breding or ... well, the list can go on for days]. Self-censoring has never been my forte. More than once my best friend has said I need an editor for daily conversations.

 

[Apparently TMI isn't always a great place to take conversations in public. Who knew?] 

 

In fact, more than a few of my tweets have been just-shy of assclap-level Mean Gurl.

 

 

[Think more Winona Ryder in Heathers, less Shannen Doherty]

 

Like high school clicques, it's a game you play (or don't).

 

Play it on your own terms. Be aware that our lives are fodder for pages in a digital Burn Book the Heathers compile.

 

Watch out you don't become one.

 

"Remember that it's totally okay not to be in the popular click online.
And it's okay when your BFF has your ex in his Google+ 'hook-up' circle
... but, FETCH. WILL. NEVER. HAPPEN."

DISRESPECTING HER MADGESTY

"Just like a prayer, no choice - your voice can take me there."

 

 

By Benjamin Kissell

What makes a Gay Heart Weep like a virgin denied satisfaction on his wedding night? Why, it’s someone slamming one of his (or her) Gaycons [gay icons for the gay vernacularly challenged]. Whether you love Cher, Ellen, Karen Walker, RuPaul or Liberace your gaycon is sacred; sacrosanct. Pity those who insult them. Fear the wrath of a worshipper scorned.

When it comes to my own gaycons I’ve a few. I love Cher [I’ve been known to “Swear to Cher” and my best friend’s ringtone for me is “Love is the Groove”] and Karen Walker has some of the best bitchy one-liners on tv, but my all-time top gaycon is … Madonna. The Queen of Pop herself.

From controversies to brilliant music videos and constantly re-inventing herself to stay ahead of the curve she’s done it all. Madonna is a force to be reckoned with (abysmal fake British-accent and all).

True blue fans of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer will flock to her side, I’m sure, when I mention the ridiculous and rather asinine [that’s a polite way of saying ‘flipping stupid’] “feud” Sir Elton John and his husband have (re)launched on the Queen of Pop.

This little bitch fest – c’mon, that’s all it really is, a high school cat-fight in the music industry – has been going on for years. Fans of the two record-setting pop stars surely know about the catty asides both have thrown towards each other.

Madonna, no stranger to fights with various pop/rock stars (her awkward moments with Courtney Love at the '95 VMAs or her infamous back-and-forths with Mariah Carey), is taking [surprisingly] the high road about it all (so far).

January 2011 saw a whirlwind global media tour Madonna embarked on for her film – including stops on 20/20, Nightline and the hilarious Graham Norton Show [gays, if you aren’t already watching our favourite BBC bad boy get started]. All of which will culminate in her SuperBowl Halftime show (with Nicki Minaj and MIA) and the subsequent release of her new studio album, tentatively titled MDNA.

(Norton hit the states – hard – in the award-winning and popular flick Not Another Gay Movie.)

Her Madgesty’s [c'mon, a play on Madonna’s nickname Madge, I couldn't resist] Jan 11^th appearance on his show contained a (rather brilliant) lampoon from the comedian-host regarding Sir Elton.

Known for his Camilla/horse jokes, Norton lively quipped about Madonna’s '90 VMA Vogue performance attire – couture Marie Antoinette costume – that “[Madonna] dressed like a 300 year old queen” and showed a glitzy-glitter shot of Sir Elton in one of his over-the-top costumes. Was it wrong? A little. But was it funny? You bet your gay-ass it was.

Personally? My own confessions (on a dance floor)? I’m betting it didn’t sit well with him.

VS

(The costumes in-reference PS - do you know how many different dresses "Elton John Glittery white dress" brings up on google-image? Answer: an assload, FYI. Also? I'm not even sure this is the same Elton dress, but, it's close enough for me.)

 

 

Tensions between the two pop royalties [he is SIR Elton after all] already strained, all that was required was a focus. Enter the 2012 Golden Globes. That night competition was tight, outfits tighter and attitudes were fierce. Claws? Were out.

Walking the red carpet, Sir Elton and his husband – David Furnish – answered questions looking rather gallant and handsome [what, I can still respect a good suit] and soon approached classic B-list celebrity host, Carson Daly. When asked to comment on the competition for “Best Original Song” they both had polite and almost-glowing remarks for Mary J. Blige, Glenn Close etc. But, when Carson asked about Madonna? Well, as Sir Elton once said … “the bitch is back”.

“She doesn’t have a fucking chance” he quipped into the microphone.

Cut to Carson sharing this with Madonna a few minutes later – like the high school gossip queen he is [Heathers anyone?]. Who took it in stride, poise and a quirked eyebrow.

When Adam Levine announced the win – Madonna – if you were lucky, you caught Sir Elton’s look onscreen. A cross between “Really?” and “That bitch”; someone obviously pissed in his wheaties.

Taking to facebook – because, isn’t that what all mature and responsible movie producers do? – Furnish lambasted Madonna for her win; calling it a popularity contest.

Yes, because Elton John is never consistently nominated for Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Peoples Choice, Grammys, or Tonys. Yepp, nothing but a popularity contest, boys.

Admittedly, I’m not the biggest fan of either Sir Elton or his husband – great marriage role models though they be – as I haven’t liked a song by him since Crocodile Rock and am primarily unimpressed with their movie collaborations. [Plus? That song was a total snooze-fest Lion King-wannabe-retread song. Sir Elton, you can do better. Sorta.]

Of course, Furnish didn’t leave it at that, he attacked Madonna’s commentary on Lady Gaga [who I’ll admit to not being a real fan of – you know, one of five gays in our country]. His tirade centered on a single well-chosen word Madonna used in describing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” track – “reductive” – during her Nightline interview. (Fans of both pop icons are no stranger to the song’s controversy and color commentary concerning its similarity to Madonna’s hit “Express Yourself”.)

Note, Madonna said the song was, not Gaga herself. In fact, during the same interview, Madonna praised Gaga’s musical accomplishments and said she reminded the Queen of herself at that age. Get your facts straight, Furnish.

 

 .............................

 

If you want to know the truth – [or at least this gay boy’s point of view] – I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that Madonna and Sir Elton collaborated on this. Feuds drive sales. Controversy drives sales. And who is better at sparking and quelling controversy than Madonna? Remember a little something called Erotica? Her Sex book? What was her response - Human Nature. And last year's kick-off, nicknamed Hydrangea-gate? Her response? [If not, go to youtube.com, look up 'Madonna Love Letter Hydrangea' and enjoy. You're welcome.]

“I’m not your bitch; don’t hang your shit on me.”

"Fuck you, Mother Fuckers."

CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT FAIL

What makes a Gay Heart Weep tears of glitter-streaked mascara? Why walking into his local Walgreens (I mean drug store) and finding these *cough* lovely *cough* ornaments gracing the shelves.

The Jersey Shore serialized into cheap plastic 2 for $10 ornaments just screams Merry Christmas, doesn't it? C'mon, isn't this really what every household needs?

 

Dial "G" for Goombas.

The perfect Christmas ornament: Glitter Herpes.

Scary Celebrity Tattoos

Forget Paranormal Activity 3, waking up to Mrs. Doubtfire's warped inky face in the dark on your partner could be reason to scream like a blond about to be murdered. While body art is the eye of the beholder for the most part, these are some weepy fan tats for sure!

 

 

Somewhere Julie Roberts is screaming (and so is that viral video dog who is spooked by her face)

 

The many scary ink faces of Julia.

 

Who is this you ask? Isn't it obvious???

Why it's a QVC-jewelry-selling inspired drawning of Demi Lovato of course! (I hope she never sees this, she might have nightmares)

 

Oprah and Bob immoratalized freakishly on skin.

 

If you choked and gagged, and then guessed Bono on this one, you would be right! Although I don't remember Bono having a frankenstein forehead!

 

And she will Judge you....right into jail for wearing that!

 

Yes, I want a tat of Will Ferrel from Elf looking like he's seen Santa naked, yes that is exactly what I want!

 

...and I also want a tat of Patrick Swayze as a Minotaur with rainbows! They wiill be nice guides when I take my trip to mushroom land.

 

And no scary celebrity tat gallery would be complete with out some crazy! A bold bald Britney lets this fan never forget the pop icon's drunk hollywood nights.

 

 

Creepy Bieber Fans

If this wasn't staged, Biebs better contact the FBI.

 

Kid Mocks Live News Report of Kim Kardashian's Wedding

 
Amongst all the pukey coverage of KK's wedding day, a surprising savior in the form of hellspawn eased our dry-heaving in this weepy CNN report.

 

 

Rick Santorum Compares Gay Marriage To Napkins - And Gets Told By Jon Stewart

Douchey Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum used a napkin to talk about gay marriage and Jon goes after his ass. It's Stewart-a-licious!

 

 I want to marry YOU Jon Stewart!! Too bad you're already married. (To Tracy, a beautiful woman I might add!)

 

Tween Twit Renames Street 'Justin Bieber Way'

Wow.

After winning a contest on Facebook (what???) to be mayor for a day in Forney, Texas, 11-year-old Bieberette Caroline Gonzalez decided to pull a publicity stunt during her time in office and rename the town's main street as "Justin Bieber Way."

Obviously embarassed, the town's real mayor announced the sign will be removed and the street will regain its original name as of Monday.

It's sad that this Bieber freak has resorted to fame-whore ways at such an early age...and that the town even allowed it!

Ipad Covers Made From Bernie Madoff Clothes

WTF??? What's next? Ipad covers made from Kardashian Bras and Charlie Sheen boxer shorts?

via www.style.com

        By Matthew Schneier

Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, the saying goes. What about until you’ve swaddled your iPad in his sweater?

A new company, Frederick James, will let you do just that, in the castoffs—or forcibly-removeds—of Bernard Madoff, the reviled Ponzi schemer currently serving a 150-year sentence in North Carolina’s Butner Federal Correctional Complex.

Founder John Vaccaro, a Web designer and developer, conceived of the idea for Frederick James when he left one of his own cashmere sweaters lying near to his new iPad; soon after, he began producing a small run of cases in cashmere and fashion fabrics. But the idea took off when he read about the auction of items from the estate of Bernie Madoff. Off he went, and came home with a bounty of clothing, now cut and sewn into custom, one-of-a-kind tech accessories. An initial batch—made from a navy Dior sweater and a Bergdorf Goodman sweater vest—sold out within a day of returning from the factory, solely by word of mouth. A Wall Street lawyer bought five at $500 apiece to give as Christmas gifts.

Wall Streeters, hedge funders, and financial types are the main market for the cases, Vaccaro explains. At the auction, white-collar financial guys snapped up lots for memorabilia’s sake—the same people who, he hopes, will be buying iPad cases made of Banana Republic chinos and Murphy & Nye sail-cloth pants for between $250 and $500. (Certificates of authenticity are available upon request.) “There were people in the hedge fund industry who wanted to showcase them in their offices,” Vaccaro remembered from the auction, where over-the-top items like Madoff’s monogrammed velvet evening slippers went for several times their estimated prices. “It’s a prize thing for people in finance.” Asked about the potential squeamishness of profiting off Madoffiana, the designer shrugged. “Nobody’s really objected,” he says. “People are like, oh, that’s cool—then people are like, oh, that’s kind of weird. At the end of the day, [they] like owning a piece of history.” He noted that proceeds from the auction benefited the victims, and that he hopes to make a donation of his own once his company turns a profit. He declined to say how much he’d paid for the lots of Madoff clothing, though he did disclose it had been more than he’d intended.

“I was buying stuff I didn’t even need,” Vaccaro added about his hours at the sale. “By 10 o’clock at night, there were stragglers there—probably only 20 of us left. This lot of cooking stuff came up, and I thought, why not?” It won’t make a tech accessory, but he’s now the proud owner of a set of Madoff’s pots and pans. “Everything tastes a little richer when you’re cooking in them.”

The Madoff iPad cases are available now at www.frederickjames.com.

Michele Bachmann's Stare

 

Yes, America, the Mayor of Stepford would like to be your new President! Run for your human lives! Forget worring about an ape uprising, Michele Bachmann's eyes could bring the world to its knees Terminator style! If you look into those android orbs for too long, she will take control of your brain and turn you into a BachmannBot willing to follow her every command - and you know what that means! Vote for me, bitch! Seriously this is one scary-ass photo.

Check out Jon Sewarts hilarious rant on the BachmannBot photo - he's pissed at Newsweek...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Glazed and Confused
www.thedailyshow.com

 

Kendall and Kylie Kardashian Ruining Katy Perry's Fireworks Song

 
My gay heart wept like a wet firework as I watched Katy Perry's inspirational song visually massacared as a back drop to bad music video making and beauty pagent modeling. Then my gay heart not only wept but got angry at seeing it on Kim Kardashian's site posted as "Kendall and Kylie's New Music Video" Sooooo just because you lipsync to a song (which we've all done), you now have a music video? Shouldn't she be saying Kendall and Kylie LIPSYNC (AND RUIN) Katy Perry's Firework? Also take notice of the youtube video below. You'll notice it says Kendall and Kylie COVER of Firework by Katy Perry. I'm sorry, but doesn't "cover" mean sing??????? My apologies if this video makes you want to rip your eyeballs out their sockets.

 

 

Justin Bieber Cone-ing And Being a Dumbass

This makes my gay heart puke. It's obvious the douchetard has no respect for Retail Slaves. I guess the cone-ing is harmless, but what was that shit about him returning a drink from Wendy's? WTF??? Did he think it would be LOL hilarious and everyone would just adore his playful teenage antics? Barf. Justin, RHUPD (Retail Hell Underground Police Department) sentences you to 6 months of graveyard drive-thru duty at the 24 hr Wendys right off Hollywood Blvd.

 

 

Michele Bachmann Mispronounces Chutzpah

The media is saying her flub sounded like "choot-spa", but I'm telling you, it sounds more like shitz-spuh and I think the bitch is doing it on purpose!!! Or maybe a wire short-circuited in her memory board?? They really should look into replacing her Jewish slang chip. If these kinds of malfunctions are going to happen while she squawks sound bites at us over the media waves, they need to spend a few million more on maintenance at The Stepford Body Shop. And let's hope they don't trade her in for one of those T models.

 

 

Overzealous Bieber Fans

 
Just not enough of The Bieb to go around...and stalkers are born.

 

Former DC Real Housewife Michaele Salahi Singing and Modeling

 
This scary photo of Michaele Salahi looking like a wet kitchen broom at a Miami beach is not the weepiest thing she's done recently, below is her hideous droid-like perfomance on an NBC Miami morning show. Following in the footsteps of many other Real Housewives, she's got a shitty new dance song called Bump It , complete with obligatory black rapper. Please Michaele, for the sake of the weeping world, we don't want to see any more of your bony emaciated body or hear anymore robotic karaoke singing and demented crazy lies. Go back to the winery and stay out of the public eye, you're blinding us. Isn't there a way to get the FCC to ban her from television?